The Media Diet

13 04 2013

I’ve been a larger person for the great majority of my life.  I’ve never experienced being someone who has teeny little invisible-to-others flaws they pick apart in the mirror.  In fact, for most of my adult life I thought it would just be fantastic to wear a size 14 so I could shop somewhere that sold clothes I liked.  I never coveted a “thigh gap” or a stomach with so little fat you could see my abdominal muscles.  I thought it would be great if my thighs didn’t chafe when I walked from all the rubbing.

The closest I ever got to the nit-picking your body phase was at the end of my weight-loss and the year that followed.  I flew past original goals, to wear that size 14 and be able to walk anywhere I wanted to without getting out of breath or chafing my thighs.  I was wearing size 8, even 6 in some things.  My thighs didn’t chafe.  In fact, they didn’t touch at all.  In clothes, my stomach looked flat.  I lost most of my breast tissue and went from a DD-cup to a small C or even a large B.

While I was deep in the process of obsessively losing weight, I became a consumer of a type of media I previously never knew existed: fitness and health.  I started looking at pictures of fitness models.  I started following them and reading about their workout routines and diets.  I worked out at least 6 times a week, for 1-2 hours each time.  It was all very intense.  No walks in the park for me!  I weighed myself every morning and I adjusted my diet accordingly.  I was the thinnest I had ever been in my life and I kept it that way with constant vigilance.  But I still didn’t look like the fitness models.  There was a time when I thought I should, and could, look like them if I just tried a little harder.  Why not?  I lost 125 pounds.  I could do anything.  All it takes is enough “will-power” right?  If I didn’t get the six-pack, I must be full of lazy-excuses.  That’s what those fitness model types said, and look at them!  It must be true…

Except that it’s not true at all.  My body is my body.  I first gained weight in the third grade.  My adult body had never been so small.  I have been so many sizes in my life, from 6 to 24.  I have yo-yo dieted, losing and gaining 20-40 pounds at a time.  I even lost 100+ pounds, gained it all back and lost it again.  I bet I have lost close to 500 pounds in my life if you added it all up.

The reason I do not, and never will, look like one of those headless ab posters actually doesn’t have anything to do with laziness or excuses.  It’s just not the way my body is going to look due to my genetics and personal history.  It took me a long time to recognize and be able to accept that, especially with all the messaging telling you that if you just Tried a Little Harder, you could make all your perfect body dreams come true.

The fitness and health world is not at all what it seems to be.  At my heaviest, I would have killed to be the size 14.  Visible abs were never on my radar.  My outlook on myself was far healthier before I ever started reading about health and fitness.  Isn’t that just backwards?  Shouldn’t the health industry be promoting actual health and fitness, not obsessive body re-composition?

I had long ago stopped looking at fashion magazines and models.  I knew they were underweight and that it was crazy to think I would ever look like them.  But the fitness look seemed so “healthy” and that’s how it was promoted.  Anybody can do this, they tell you.  You just have to want it bad enough.  Just eat a “clean” diet, lift weights, and wake up one day looking like Jamie Eason!

Fast forward to now.  My outlook is totally different.  I’m never going to look like Jamie Eason.  I’m me.  I look like me.  Kate.  Hi!  Nice to meet you.  My thighs touch and my belly is not flat.  I am strong and healthy.

The 2013 picture was taken a few months ago. I'm wearing the same outfit today, so I must be a similar size. I don't weigh myself anymore though, so I can't say for sure.

The 2013 picture was taken a few months ago. I’m wearing the same outfit today, so I must be a similar size. I don’t weigh myself anymore though, so I can’t say for sure.

I went on a new type of diet, you see.  I went on a Media Diet.  I already didn’t watch much TV or read magazines, but I do spend a lot of time online.  Throughout my changing lifestyle I had managed to build up quite the repertoire of places to consume other people’s tight, toned, surgically and digitally enhanced bodies online and read about their endless nit-picking of their imperceptible flaws, Facebook being the most gluttonous.

The most important tool of the Media Diet for me the Facebook UNLIKE button.  Does the page post fitspo?  Unlike.  Does it go on about counting carbs after 3 pm to get the flattest belly?  Unlike.  Does it tell me I’m not good enough the way I am?  Unlike.  Does it send me the message that if I don’t look like the model in the picture, I’m a lazy, full of excuses waste of space?  UNLIKE at the speed of light!

If it does not lift me up and support actual health and actual fitness, I don’t need to consume it.

We are bombarded with messages about not being good enough every single day.  You cannot completely escape this.  I can’t stop going to the grocery store and seeing the headlines about which celebrities are too fat and which are too thin.  But I can take an active role in many parts of my life.  I can choose.

You do not have to buy those magazines or follow those pages to be healthy.  If you’re like me, you might be a lot saner and healthier without them.

My New Years Resolution this year was to stop reading weight/health/nutrition books.  I am proud to say that in 2013 I have only read fiction and art books.

Come to think of it, ever since I went on my Media Diet, I am doing a lot of things I enjoy that are important to me that I wasn’t doing before.  I’m not working out 6 days a week anymore.  I am walking in the park.  I am hiking.  I am practicing yoga.  I only go to the gym 1 time a week, for BodyPump, which is just plain FUN.  I have drawn in my sketchbook almost every day this year, something I kept telling myself I would do that I never did.  I guess I needed to free up the mental space for it.  When I get sick or am too exhausted, I do a crazy thing: I REST.  I do not worry about what it might do to my weight the next day.

I don’t track anything anymore, except my menstrual cycle.  When I exercise, I do it for myself, for my mental and physical health, and because I want to, not for calories burned.  I don’t do it to earn my dinner.  I’m going to eat dinner either way.  And sometimes it’s going to be pizza.

I have allowed myself time and space to think about what is really important to me, how I really feel about my body, and to stop comparing myself to anyone else.  Comparing yourself to other people is stupid.  A person with my body and my history is never going to look like someone who has always been thin.  That’s a great big “DUH.” right?  But I think a lot of people still don’t get it.

Many people would look at my body and find things to dislike about it, but I am not them, so it’s okay.   My hips?  They are glorious.  My stomach and thighs that touch once more (but don’t chafe)- so nice, so comforting, so warm and soft.  Fat is not an enemy, it is part of my body.  It gives me my hourglass shape.  It gives me my fabulous D-cups.  I gives me warmth.  I am no longer constantly cold.  I don’t feel dizzy.  I have a lot more energy.  I am more comfortable sleeping.  I feel more attractive and less self-conscious.

Contrary to what I thought, being the thinnest ever didn’t make me happier.  It didn’t make me better.  It just made me look different.  I remember how I felt when I took the middle picture you see above, and I kept staring at it thinking “Wow, I am actually thin.”  It was strange and intriguing.  It was an out of body experience for sure.  When I look at the picture of me now, I see me.  It’s not weird, it just is.  Living the life I want to live naturally returned me to the body I was meant to have.  The funny thing is, this is the body I probably would have had if I had never dieted at all.  If I had just let my body mature as it was meant to.  But everything told me I wasn’t okay the way I was, and I believed it.  I don’t believe it now.  And anyway, it’s not for anyone else to say.

You shouldn’t consume things that make you feel like crap.  That includes food and media.  Are there people in real life or online in your life who treat you like crap?  Do they talk down to you?  Do they act like they know you better than you know yourself?  Do they make you doubt yourself?  Cut them out.  You deserve better.  And make sure you’re not one of them.

Truth.

Truth.


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Categories : My Lifestyle

Life After Numbers

20 03 2013

It’s no secret I have changed my mind about some things.  I have moved away from numbers and data and onto a more holistic, experience-based approach.  If you read the posts I’ve written over the last few months, you know all about it.  If not, any of these posts will give you an idea of where my mind has been lately:

Weight and Weight Loss, I’m Over It

Book: Health at Every Size

Changes You Cannot See

Sometimes people ask me if I think I could have gotten to the point where I am now if I had not at one point approached this from a different angle.  If I would have lost the weight if I had never counted calories daily for almost 2 years and weighed myself daily for another year after that.  The only truthful answer to that question is “I don’t know.”  I can only tell you what actually happened.

I don’t regret any part of this lifestyle change journey thing whatever you want to call it.  I feel that every part of it was necessary for me personally.  Would I do the same again?  No, because now I know more.  Would I recommend anyone else do as I have done?  Some parts.  Maybe.  I would recommend everyone do what they need to do.

My goal has, in essence, always been the same: to be happy and healthy.  When I started out, I was physically out of shape, had trouble breathing after walking up stairs or any distance, ate a lot of processed, fast, and restaurant foods, drank way too much alcohol, and smoked cigarettes.  But in the beginning, my goal was to lose weight.  My goal was to lose weight until I lost all the weight I wanted to lose.  I lost 100 pounds. And then I lost another 20 pounds because I could.

Along the way, I got in shape, I can now participate in any physical activity I want to do, including running.  I eat a vegetarian diet of mostly fresh foods I cook from scratch in moderate portions.  I drink 1 or 2 glasses of wine occasionally.  I haven’t smoked in 3 years.  I also started writing this blog, speaking out about what I see going on in the world of body image, health, and fitness, and started my Facebook page, which currently has 22,000 followers.

All of those things I do now, or don’t do anymore, those are the lifestyle change.  Weight loss or not, doing or not doing those things are what makes me healthier.  I have no plans to stop doing those things.  I love my healthier lifestyle!  It gives me so many incredible benefits.

I like being in shape and being able to go do whatever I want to do, keep up with anybody.  I like shopping in stores where I have more choices that can reflect my personal style.  I know I am enjoying the privilege reserved for non-fat people that means I can walk into a room without all kinds of negative assumptions being made about me, wrong as I feel this is.  I like feeling good about my body, which comes not from being perfect, because trust me I’m not.  I choose to feel good about my body, and because I have been actively working on that for over 3 years, I feel very good about it indeed.

Those extra 20 pounds I lost?  I maintained that weight by weighing myself daily and adjusting what I ate to compensate for small changes.  It all seemed well and good, until I fell and got that concussion.  The concussion set off a cascade of inter-related changes.  One was that I realized right away how much mental energy I was expending about my weight and keeping it in a very tight range.  It became clear that I could not do that in the state I was in after hitting my head.  Not doing it made me rethink it entirely.  By the way, the concussion turned out to be a HUGE blessing in disguise, but I still don’t recommend it.

Between that and reading Health at Every Size, a few things clicked for me.  I don’t want to live my life based on external data points, whether they be calories, pounds, inches, percentages or any other method of tracking and calculating.  I want to live life by the way I feel and thoroughly experience every experience, without checking to see how many calories my activity burned or thinking about how my meal would affect the number on the scale.

I slowed down on the weighing, until finally I stopped last October.  At the time I stopped, I weighed 15 pounds more than my lowest weight.  And I am okay with that.  I have my chest and hips back!  I missed them.

One reason I used to weigh myself so much was to “keep myself on track.”  I no longer need to do that, and probably haven’t for quite some time.

You see, I don’t eat the way I do or exercise to keep my weight at a certain number.  I do those things because they are part of my life.  I like to do them.  They benefit me.  They keep me healthy and physically fit.  Whether I weigh more or less, this will not change.  If anything, now that I’ve finally decided to just DO this and trust myself, I’ve become so much more in tune with how I feel about certain foods or exercises and I’ve found a renewed love of the healthful activities.  I have given up the stranglehold on my weight.

I have eyes and pants though, and I know what’s happening with my body.  But I’ve become selfish.  My body is mine alone, and the only person who needs to love it is me (and my boyfriend) My weight is not all that interesting, nor is my size.  Everything I have to say is more interesting than whether I got bigger or smaller.  So I’m keeping it to myself.  I don’t need to be congratulated or consoled about my weight anymore.  I’m good.

4 years ago, I was very embarrassed about my weight and size.  Sharing with people helped me let it go.  I have let it go.  Sharing my weight or size serves no purpose for me anymore.

Part of listening to myself is no longer looking for others approval.  Sure, it’s nice when everyone congratulates you for losing weight and tells you what an inspiration you are and all that.  But in another way, I feel like it just focuses on the wrong thing.  You should be proud of me because I hiked almost 8 miles on Saturday and could have kept going and I made myself a beautiful veggie filled meal for dinner.  That’s the right thing!  That’s an action, something I DID.   Does it make it more or less worthwhile if it results in weight loss or gain?  Not at all.

Another part of why I’ve decided to keep my body size to myself is the sensitivity to the people who follow me.  I want to have a page and a blog that is safe and happy for people with eating disorders or disordered thoughts about their bodies and weight.  I care deeply about trying to create a world that is less treacherous for women (and men) and our body image.  I cannot do that and simultaneously get excited when my jeans are loose or angry when they’re tight.  I truly believe in what I am preaching these days, and that is self-acceptance and mental and physical health.  I’m living it.

I could end this post by telling you whether I’m bigger, smaller, or the same as I was last October.  Do you think your perception of what I’m saying would change depending on my report?  Is it only okay if I’m not bigger?  Is it only a success if I’m the same or smaller?  If so, you don’t get it yet.  That’s okay.  I’m going to keep writing.

I just won’t be writing about my weight and size.


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Book: Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon

20 01 2013

Before I review the book, let me tell you what “Health at Every Size” means to me in the context of my own lifestyle journey.  I think this phrase, “Health at Every Size” (HAES) can bring up some very conflicting feelings for people.  Some people hear this and think it’s an “excuse to be fat,” since, you know, we’re all looking for one of those since it’s so fun to be fat in our society.  This is not what it means.  To me it means focusing on health instead of size.  It does not mean laying down on the couch and eating Cheetos until you’re 800 pounds.  That is not health.  But it also means that if you are 800 pounds, there’s more benefit to be found in choosing to focus on living a healthier lifestyle than to focus on weight.  Focusing on that lifestyle may very well lead to weight loss for some people, but it will lead to better health even if you are thin or already happy at whatever size you are.

It may seem odd for someone whose claim to fame was losing over 100 pounds to be espousing these ideas, but I found my lifestyle journey did not end when I finished losing weight.  I didn’t want to fall into the trap I saw so many other successful weight-losers falling into, the trap of a miserable relationship with food and weight.  The book I am about to review spoke to me very deeply at a time where I have recently changed my own outlook on the whole journey by shifting it away from weight.  This passage, among many others, spoke to me directly:

“While lifestyle change is valuable, it is rarely maintained when driven by weight loss goals.  Tricks to minimize hunger may result in short term success but are ultimately challenged by long term weight regulation mechanisms.  And while certain habits may result in weight loss for some individuals, there are no guarantees.  Failed attempts at losing weight make people feel like failures and even those who succeed feel a never-ending pressure to retain that success that will always limit their ability to feel comfortable around food and in their bodies.  By putting an emphasis on weight, we also limit our ability to support thin people in adopting healthy behaviors.”

I see this so much when I venture onto weight maintenance boards.  So much self-dissatisfaction, fear, and anxiety surrounding the possibility of weight regain.  I didn’t want to be like that.  I want to live my life in a healthy manner, but also feel comfortable with myself and allow myself the flexibility to settle into my own comfort zone.  I’m not planning to spend my life at war with my body.

HAES doesn’t mean that everyone is healthy at the weight they are.  I wasn’t.  I was almost 300 pounds for some very simple lifestyle-choice related reasons.  My weight loss journey showed me where I erred.  Perhaps I could have approached this from a less weight-driven perspective if I had any inkling such a movement existed.  But I did not find out about HAES until long after I had lost 120 pounds.  I now believe that much of the reason I gained so much weight over my natural body size was because of my history of dieting.  I would like to help others skip this fate of yo-yo dieting your way up heavier and heavier.  I think this book can help people understand why maybe dieting isn’t the answer the way we are led to believe it is.

Me at my heaviest, thinnest, and happiest (currently).

Me at my heaviest, thinnest, and happiest (currently).

I started out wanting to lose weight.  I lost weight.  I have since gained back a portion of the weight I lost.  I’ve been a lot heavier than I am now and I’ve been a little thinner.  I prefer myself as I am today, hips and all.  I don’t weigh myself anymore and don’t plan to any time soon.  I trust myself that my body will be the “right” size for me as long as I make the choices that are healthy for my life.  I may not be the right size for you or society or the BMI chart, but that’s okay, I only aim to satisfy myself.

I’m not sure whether I could consider myself part of the HAES movement or not.  I’ve ventured onto some forums and lurked around a little and I’m not sure people would be supportive of me as a person who feels my weight loss journey was valuable and who did have weight-related goals I met and have maintained for the most part.  I understand the reason such things are looked upon with derision by the fat-acceptance movement.  I’m not sure I belong there.  I’m just me, I guess.  I have a unique story and viewpoint.  And I have my own community, so it’s all good.

Whether you feel like you want to be a part of this movement or not, the book is great and will help you to look at things in a new light.  It will challenge your preconceived notions about weight and health.

health_at_every_size

(Click to view book on Amazon.com)

“The science of weight regulation directly contradicts cultural assumptions as well as those promoted by the ‘experts.’”

Weight and health are not as tied together as we are led to believe, according to Linda Bacon.  In Health at Every Size, she makes a compelling case that the “obesity crisis” is a manufactured fear that misplaces our concern for health problems by focusing it solely on body size.  She points to several studies and scientific findings that support this claim.

Next, she shows why dieting doesn’t work to reduce and maintain weight in the long run.  As we are all aware, the long term success rates for all diet plans are dismal.  This doesn’t mean there aren’t people who do successfully lose and maintain the lower weight, it just means they are very rare.  A history of dieting is one of the greatest predictors of obesity, ironically.  Yet we continue to place our hopes and dreams in the diet basket.  Here are some of the concerning effects of dieting:

        “Dieting:

  • Slows the rate at which your body burns calories.
  • Increases your body’s efficiency at wringing every possible calorie out of the food you do eat so you digest food faster and get hungrier quicker.
  • Causes you to crave high-fat foods.
  • Increases your appetite.
  • Reduces your energy levels (so even if you could burn more calories through physical activities, you don’t want to.)
  • Lowers your body temperature so you’re using less energy (and are always cold.)
  • Reduces your ability to feel “hungry” and “full,” making it easier to confuse hunger with emotional needs.
  • Reduces your total amount of muscle tissue (and you may know that a pound of muscle burns more calories than a pound of fat.)
  • Increases fat-storage enzymes and decreases fat-release enzymes.”

I think most of us who have dieted can relate to several of the items on this list.  I know I can.

Next, she talks about some of the outside forces that over-ride our natural hunger and fullness signals and may lead to the accumulation of excess weight:

“By creating a system that maintains a cheap and plentiful supply of corn and soybeans, among other products, government policy has inadvertently favored the production of foods that promote weight gain and damage health.”

“Food companies have a vested interest in getting us to ignore our body signals.  Thea more we eat the more product they sell, and the more money they can make.  If we stop eating when we are full, it is bad for business!”

“If you think I’m angry that the corporations and government agencies have co-opted the production and distribution of food at the expense and well-being, you’re right.  I value the sensation of hunger as a sign of the body’s wisdom, not as a commercial asset to be manipulated for market share.  I value food as nourishment, not as a unit of sales.  I value our bodies as gifts of life, not as product-consumption devices.”

I love that last bit.  I’m angry too!  Let’s all get angry and do something about this!

That is what I liked most about this book.  It reinforces the conclusions I came to myself through my own experience and points to some research and studies to back them up, always helpful when trying to make a point that goes against what most people believe about health and weight.

“Many people are concerned that if they accept their bodies they may become complacent and remain “stuck” forever with a body they’ve grown to loathe.  They believe that hating their body is an essential motivation for change so they resist letting go of that self-hatred.”

That is one of the most difficult barriers to body love, the fear that hate is the only impetus to change.  I, and many others, have found that the exact opposite is true.  Hate is a very poor motivator in the long run.  Love and respect are boundless.  Accepting your body doesn’t preclude living a healthy lifestyle; it enhances your chances to stick with it long term.

The concluding message of the book is pretty much exactly what I’ve been saying for years.  I think most people could find something of benefit to them in this book, and for some people it could be life changing.  This is the last health/eating/weight book I plan to read any time in the near future.   I do trust myself.  It’s the best feeling in the world.

“Free yourself from the limiting cultural biases around eating and weight and challenge them in others.  Let go of the rules, the judgments, the “expert” advice.  Trust that you know best how to take care of yourself.  Respect your hunger and appetite, and let them guide you to better health and fulfillment.  Expand that openness to others and celebrate the diversity that makes us human.”


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Health and Weight

13 01 2013

People like easy answers.  We prefer things to be black or white, right or wrong, and good or bad.  It either is or it isn’t.  We also like to extrapolate that because we had a certain experience, others must have had the same experience.  When someone has a contradictory experience, sometimes we find it threatening when in reality, it needn’t be.  My experience does not invalidate yours, even if they are polar opposites.

I consider myself to have complex views on weight and health that are not easily condensed into short phrases.  Sometimes, this makes it rather difficult to write for my Facebook page because I cannot say everything in every status.  Twitter is off the table for me.  I need a lot more letters to say most things I care to say.  My views are very nuanced, not the same as what they were last year, and constantly evolving.

This blog recently passed its third year of existence, so it seems like a good time to write this down in words instead of just keeping it in my head.

Health and Weight are Not the Same Thing

This is at the very core of what I believe about our society’s health issues related to lifestyle.  Because we put the focus so keenly upon weight, i.e. the “obesity epidemic,” we are missing the point.  There is something amiss with the foods we eat and our sedentary lifestyles but it is much more complex than simply battling weight gain.  When you tell someone they are too fat and they should lose weight, generally, they go on a diet.  This does not usually mean anything positive; a temporary restrictive plan, weight lost, and quickly regained.  Rather than approaching the root issues, this focus treats one symptom.  To top it off, it’s a symptom that is not easily overcome.  In fact, we know very clearly that the usual methods people use to reduce their weight generally lead to gain not loss in the long run.

By focusing so much on weight, I believe we do everyone a disservice, large and small.  Thin people may feel complacent about their lifestyle choices since they are thin while heavy people who are in good health may feel compelled to try weight loss methods that actually harm them.

I believe that everyone can benefit from shifting our focus to the causes, not the symptoms.

Our Perception of Weight is Skewed

There is a difference between being 10 pounds “overweight” and being 300 pounds overweight.  If you happen to be 20 pounds overweight according to the out-dated and arbitrary categories of the BMI chart, you may in fact be at a very healthy and natural weight for your particular body.  If you are carrying so much excess weight it makes it difficult to go about your daily activities, that is an entirely different situation.  Yet when we speak about weight, there’s generally no distinction made between these two scenarios or any of the many variations between them.  It almost seems as though every single person I meet wants to, thinks about, talks about, or is trying to lose weight – regardless of their size.

I am positive that from a health perspective, there is genuinely no reason for many of these people to lose weight at all except for the expectation put forth that we ought all look a certain way.  If people want to lose weight to look a certain way, it’s their life and I do not begrudge them that.  But let’s call this what it is and not pretend our desire to see our abs or ribs, whichever your preference be, has anything at all to do with health.

Healthy Habits Can Benefit Everyone

No matter what you look like, I firmly believe your life can benefit from consuming nutritious food in quantities appropriate to your activity level and from leading a more active life.  It just seems to me that if we celebrated actions like learning to cook our own food again, concentrating on real foods with nutritious value, and regular exercise or physical activity, people would know what to do.  Instead, we say “Lose Weight” and people are really confused about how to do that.  If it were so easy, wouldn’t everyone have done it by now?  Clearly this line of advising does not work very well for people.

Our Health Problem is Bigger than Personal Responsibility

It’s easy to point fingers and blame each other for poor choices, but the truth of the matter is, it is the social norm to eat a lot of processed nutrition-less junk, to not cook your own dinner, to eat in the car, to drink sugary beverages, to sit at a desk all day and to watch a lot of TV.  Expecting all of society to miraculously become rebels against what we have been taught is normal is expecting the impossible.  On an individual level, we can absolutely each change our own lifestyle.  If we want to tackle this problem on a social level, we need social and political change.  Some of the causes of the lifestyle epidemic aside from personal choices are:

- Food manufacturers want to make a profit.  It is not in their interest for people to eat less.  Food products are designed to encourage you to eat more of them, from the way they are packaged to the way they taste and smell to the way they are advertised.

- The diet industry wants to make a profit.  It is not in their interest for you to lose weight and keep it off.  Dieting, in the long run, causes weight gain and the maintenance rate for weight loss is dismal.

- The medical community is behind the times on the science of weight and weight loss.  It’s a big business.  Surgeries, procedures and medications are a big money maker for pharmaceutical companies, but again they treat the symptom not the underlying issues.  We need a complete shift from treatment after the fact to prevention.  As consumers, we also need a shift of expectation from thinking there’s a pill that can “fix” us to taking a more active role in our health care.

- The media uses our dissatisfaction with our bodies to sell us stuff.  Keeping you convinced you need to lose weight and look different to be happy is a surefire way to sell you products.  I often wonder if our obsession with our weight is actually worse for our health than our weight.  For a lot of people I think it is.

Just be you.

Just be you.

My Weight Loss Journey

I lost a lot of weight myself.  I did this by calorie counting and exercise.  I am very glad I am now the smaller size version of me.  I do believe that people can be fat and fit.  However, I was not.  I guess now I am, since technically I am overweight according to the medical community.  I have come to think that body weight is such a personal thing, it really shouldn’t be up to other people how we approach it.  I don’t advocate anyone doing what I did, it’s not for me to say what’s right for you.  You have to figure that out yourself.

This used to be all about me, but it’s not anymore.  Soon enough, over 20,000 people will be following me on Facebook.  Those who have been with me for a long time have probably noticed the change.  It’s coincidental with a change in my own life focus, so it worked out well for me.

I don’t post or write about weight loss anymore.  I post about healthy eating.  I post about loving yourself.  I post about exercise.  I post pictures of my cooking.  I post articles about weight and health.  But I don’t advise people on how to lose weight or encourage them to anymore.  The way I see it, we are bombarded with that crap every single day from every avenue.  I want to encourage what I see as positive for everyone whether you’re recovering from anorexia or working on losing half your body weight or you’re healthy and happy just the way you are.


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Changes You Cannot See

30 12 2012

I have a before and after picture.  I have quite a few of them, actually.  You can see them here if you have not already.  Pretty cool, eh?  Many people have told me I look like a completely different person.  They tell me I look younger.  I am unrecognizable.  100 pounds is a lot of weight, no doubt about it.  I did something many people only dream of doing, and I have the pictures to show for it.

Yes, this is a part of my story, I lost a lot of weight.  I have said this before but it bears repeating, my weight is the least interesting thing about me.

As time passes, I become more and more aware of the other changes that have taken place, the ones nobody can see.  These changes are so much more meaningful and profound than my smaller size that I begin to find myself resenting the obsessive focus everyone has on weight.  Whether it’s my weight or their weight or some celebrity’s weight, weight is very interesting to everyone.  I get it.  We live in a hyper-weight-focused society.  Whether it’s the so-called “obesity crisis” or game shows that reward the person who can lose the most weight the fastest, or the latest celebrity diet “success story.”

I am aware of the weight obsession even more keenly because I participate in it myself.  I don’t think there has been a day I haven’t thought about my weight since I was a teenager.  How sad is that?  What a waste of valuable time and energy I could have spent doing things I like, or things that could benefit the world.  I wish I could prevent people from suffering the same fate, especially young women.  But how is it possible?  How can we let go of something society deems so incredibly meaningful and important?  How can we not focus on our weight when it is impossible to go a minute without hearing about it?

Once I started thinking of my body as the enemy and started the lifelong battle with my weight, it was incredibly hard to extricate myself.  More dieting led to more weight gain in the long run, a predictable outcome that is never talked about.  Even as we attempt to control our bodies, we become more out of control.  All the while, a persistent message reaches all of us, big and small: Lose weight. Lose weight. Lose weight. Lose weight.  no matter what size you are, Lose weight.  I lost weight, and I still hear the call, loud and clear.  It never ends, no matter what size you are.

But recently, I have felt my feelings about this shift and change.  It occurred to me how ridiculous this all is.  I haven’t weighed myself since October.  And, miracle of miracles, I think about my weight so much less.  I am freeing myself.  Perhaps someday soon I will not think of it at all.

My lifestyle is very important to me.  It makes me a healthier person, mentally and physically in every way.  Too often I am saddened when I see the word “lifestyle” bandied about as if it were just another word for diet or just another way to lose weight.  It’s not, but most people don’t seem to get it.  It is the Way You Live Your Life.  It is taking the time to think about your food, where it comes from, how it is prepared, and honestly attending to what your body and mind needs and wants.  It’s about listening to yourself, body and mind, which are truly connected in every way.  The benefits are sleeping better, feeling happier overall, having more energy, enjoying joy, increased self-esteem, a feeling of accomplishment, and the wonderful feeling of knowing you care about yourself and take care of yourself.  How sad that we distill this down to the number of pounds I have lost.  You cannot measure what I have gained through this change.

The fear of losing control of our weight is apparent in almost every person I’ve ever encountered who has a Before and After picture.  It hangs over them like an axe, ready to drop at any moment and return them to the life of miserable fatness they so valiantly overcame.  Self included.

That fear is exactly the thing that kept me from being able to not think about my weight every single day.  It’s the reason I stepped on the scale every single morning, just to make sure.  And every morning, I would breathe a sigh of relief that my weight had not magically ballooned back up to 287 pounds.

There is only one way to overcome that fear and most of you are not going to like it: you have to give up the idea that controlling your weight is the most important thing, or even on your list of important things.  And this may mean accepting that your body’s happy natural healthy weight is not as low as you might like it to be.  I know this will not be something most people are ready or able to do.  The importance of our weight is so ingrained in us, it is second nature.

It is what I decided to do though.  I will continue to live my life with the healthy habits I have developed that led to my weight loss.  I will continue to exercise because it brings me so many benefits.  I will continue to eat my plant based mostly whole foods diet that brings me so many benefits.  What I will no longer do is spend another second worrying about my weight.

I started to have these thoughts and feelings several months ago, and a strange thing happened when I put the scale away.  All the sudden I stopped cleaning my plate.  I found myself eating more slowly.  Sometimes I found myself eating more than I would have previously, and sometimes less.  My fullness signal seemed to magically appear as soon as I decided I would simply listen to myself and eat as honestly as possible according to my wants and needs without any thoughts about how it might affect my all-important weight.

Since I have not gotten on the scale lately, I can’t tell you if I have gained, lost, or stayed the same, but I would guess I have stayed the same.  My clothes fit and I like the way I look.  I have accepted my body’s natural shape, size and weight and it is glorious.  But I do not now and never will fit society’s ideal.  It was imperative to give that up to make peace with my unique and womanly body.

I am grateful for my journey through life, including my struggles with my weight.  I am grateful for my weight loss.  I was woefully out of shape and eating terribly unhealthy foods in quantities far beyond my body’s needs.  I never developed a healthy relationship with food or moving my body.  Nobody ever taught me that, because they were always too busy worrying about my weight.   The time I spent counting calories and monitoring my weight was a learning experience for me and I am glad I did it.  I’m not sure I would recommend it to others.  Instead, I would recommend beginning to develop your relationship with food, focusing on eating nutritious foods and moving your body in ways that bring you joy.  But in the end, I know each person must follow their own heart and path and I probably had to go through my own path to get to where I am now.

  • I have deleted all calorie counting apps from my phone and bookmarks.
  • I put the scale away, out of sight.
  • I removed all clothing from my closet that do not fit me perfectly and make me feel comfortable and beautiful right now.
  • I don’t look at the calorie count on the treadmill or elliptical anymore, I focus on how I feel.
  • I don’t think about calories at all.  I focus on what I really want and how much.
  • I eat when I feel hungry, not when external signals say so.  Unless I am celebrating in a social situation, in which case I eat whatever I like, which turns out to be very moderate and reasonable effortlessly.
  • I deleted all the weight, eating, and food-related books from my iPad and bought some fiction.
  • I look at myself every morning in the mirror and I say “thank you” to my body.
  • I accept and embrace my body’s unique attributes, known by some as “flaws”.
  • I am a beautiful and good person.
  • I am much more than my weight.
  • I have made peace. ☮

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Categories : My Lifestyle, Weight

Health is not a Size

23 11 2012

Let’s start with the basics.  What is “health”?  I rather like the World Health Organization’s definition:

Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.

In other words, health is a complicated concept.  It is a balance of many things.  Health cannot be reduced to body size.

It is commonly accepted by society, although not always true, that a person who falls outside the desired weight range is unhealthy.  However, it is also obviously true that people who fall within the desired weight range can be unhealthy as well.   If an overweight person eats healthy food, is active, and generally content and happy, is she less healthy than a “normal” weight person who eats nothing but fast food, sits on the couch all day, and is miserable and depressed?  Should “normal” weight individuals ignore their eating habits and forget about moving their bodies?  Doesn’t this line of thinking do “normal” weight people a huge disservice?

I could post lots of links to studies that question just how linked weight and health actually are, but let’s say that health IS weight, just for the sake of argument.  Let’s say that all overweight people are unhealthy.  Well, we’ve spent the last 20 years hearing about how unhealthy fat people are and our collective weight continues to rise.  Clearly this line of messaging is ineffective.  I would argue it is counterproductive as well.

When the primary focus is on losing weight, the first step is generally to Go On A Diet.  This is what we as a society do when we want to lose weight, we go on diets.  Yet studies show that in the long term, diets do not work.  As a matter of fact, it is becoming more and more clear that dieting leads to weight gain, not loss, in the long run.  In the short term, of course it works.  You do lose weight on a diet.  The problem is if there is not permanent change to habits, the weight will return as soon as the old habits return.  All this focus on losing weight and dieting compounds the issue, rather than making a start at a solution.

Weight is a difficult thing to control and true changes take time.  People find this very discouraging.  If you find yourself 100 or more pounds overweight, it can seem insurmountable.  It took me 18 months to lose 100 pounds.  There was no immediate gratification.  There were many weeks when I did not lose any weight at all.  You need a ton of patience and commitment to reach a goal so overwhelming.  Patience is a rare thing.  Telling people they will not meet their goals for years can be incredibly discouraging.  Many people simply give up before they start.

Let’s forget weight for a moment though.  No matter what your size, everyone can make changes to our lifestyles in pursuit of better health right now.  I promote eating healthy and nutritious food for everyone.  You can choose vegetables or fruit instead of cake or chips right now.  I promote fitness through moving your body for everyone.  You can get up out of your chair and go for a walk right now.  I promote getting a proper amount of sleep.  You can choose to turn off the TV and go to bed earlier today.  I promote reducing stress in your life.  You can start being kinder to yourself today.

You can have instant gratification when you change your focus from weight to actions.  You can control your actions immediately.  You only need to make the choice.  And if you did any of the things I mentioned in the previous paragraph, that is worth celebrating no matter what your size.  You should be proud. Give yourself a pat on your back!  And do it again tomorrow.

When I was 250 pounds, I was eating the right amount, tons of vegetables, very little junk food.  I was exercising regularly, 6 times a week for more than an hour each time without fail.  I had lost almost 40 pounds but I was still obese.  People could look at me and make assumptions about my lifestyle based on my size, but they would have been wrong.  Lucky for me, I realized that improving my health was about actions and behaviors.  Repetition of those behaviors led to weight loss.

When I was 230 pounds, I could run a 5K.  I have “healthy” weight friends who cannot run one mile.  Who is more fit, the fat girl who can run 3 miles or the thin girl who gets tired walking up the steps?

At no time at any weight did I ever have high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, or any other diagnosable health problem.  “Healthy” weight people can have heart disease.  Heart attacks.  Triple bypass surgery.  Diabetes.  High blood pressure.  These issues can often be resolved by lifestyle changes.  Inactivity and over-consumption of junk food can harm your health even if you are thin.  Our focus is in the wrong place.  How many thin people afflicted by lifestyle-related diseases thought they were immune because their weight was within the “right” range?

Keeping people focused on weight is a lucrative business for the food, diet, medical, and pharmaceutical industries.  This is not about health, because living a healthier lifestyle is free.  This is about money.  You don’t need to buy anything to start making better choices right now.

Weight loss can be a wonderful thing for people.  It has been for me.  I am certainly healthier now than I was when I was 100 pounds heavier.  I feel better, both mentally and physically.  But I also know that in large part, those improvements are due to my actions as much as, if not more than, my reduction in size.  I have to keep doing those things, eating right, exercising, even now that I do not want to lose any more weight.  If I had gone to unhealthy extremes to lose the pounds, I sincerely doubt I would be experiencing so many benefits.  Many people end up in a worse mental state after weight loss than they do before.  Mental health is a large part of health.  For some people, focusing on their weight can lead to very unhealthy mental states.  I fully believe that being a few pounds over the “ideal” weight range, but mentally content can be healthier than obsessing about lowering your weight and feeling miserable or guilty about your food choices.

Finally, health is a very personal issue.  I do not think it’s up to me to tell other people how to be healthy, whether that is to be a certain size, eat a certain way, or exercise a certain amount.  I know that life is complicated and we make sacrifices in one area to focus on another.  Being “unhealthy” is not a moral sin to me.  Many times, no matter what great lifestyle choices we make, we will still suffer health problems in some capacity nonetheless.  I find the finger-pointing at others and judgment of health completely counter-productive, and frankly obnoxious.  The only people who should be involved in health-related decisions are the individual, their doctors, and their loved ones.  Such personal and life-changing decisions are not for strangers to make from afar.

For those of us, like myself, who would like to help others find a path to a healthier life and enjoy all the benefits, I believe the best way to go about it is to lead by example and be inclusive.  That’s why I talk about things you can do right now.  It’s not about being perfect all the time, it’s just about taking small steps each day to lead you to feel a little better.  If you took one of those steps today, I applaud you – no matter what your size.


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Book – Why Calories Count: From Science to Politics

3 08 2012

Why Calories Count, by Marion Nestle

What is a calorie?  This seems a rather obvious question, but how well do you actually understand what a calorie is, how they are used by the body, why an abundance of calories causes weight gain while restricting calories causes weight loss, how different types of calories affect the body, and what our bodies do with calories?  Even if you feel you’re pretty well educated on nutrition, this book provides a detailed, but easy to understand, history of calories as well as delving into the science of calories and finally tackling the current issues surrounding obesity in modern society.

The overall message of the book is that calories do, in fact, count.  There are many forces at play that are causing us to eat more than we ever have before and many confusing messages that distract people from this basic fact. “Calorie distracters lull people into forgetting how much they are eating.  They convey the impression that what you eat matters more to body weight than how much you eat.  Conveying this impression is the basis of the flourishing diet industry.”  Nestle argues that despite smaller contributions from factors such as a lack of physical activity or the consumption of junk food, it is the quantity of food we consume that is leading to the lifestyle related diseases such as diabetes or obesity.

The book also contains many gems of knowledge about subjects related to calories such as Metabolism and BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate)

“Metabolism is the term given to the entire process of using the molecules in the food you eat to maintain your basic functions, build new molecules characteristic of your own body, use your muscles, and produce energy.”

“…the resting metabolism of small animals was higher than that of large animals.  The difference was not proportional to weight.  Instead, it was proportional to body surface area.  When scientists measured the heat produced by resting animals of any size, it turned out to be about 1,000 calories per day per square meter of body surface area.”

“Body fat is much less metabolically active than other body tissues, and its heat production accounts for only a small part of the BMR.  In one study, for example, body fat accounted for nearly 14 percent of body weight but only 4 percent of BMR.”

“There is not a whole lot you or anyone else can do to increase your BMR, except by developing a higher proportion of lean to fat tissue through physical activity.”

The most revealing parts to me were the parts about why we find ourselves in this predicament and why it is so difficult to change our habits of overeating in the current food environment, both from a political and biological perspective.  The political aspect is of particular interest to me as I am now in the position of wanting to work to change our society to make it easier for people to lead a healthy lifestyle.  As things stand, you have to go against social pressures to lead a healthy life, and it is needlessly difficult.  A few more highlights from the book:

“From a political standpoint, advice to move more is much less threatening than advice to eat less.  Moving more does not affect the economic interests of food companies or any other powerful industry.  In contrast, eating less is bad for business.  And advice to eat less raises uncomfortable questions about exactly what foods you are supposed to eat less of.  With that said, we must make it clear that we think it is important to be as physically active as possible, but mainly for health reasons that go beyond just balancing food calories.”

“The need for food is so basic to life that a physiological system centered in the brain evolved to control it.  To regulate eating behavior – hunger, the intake of food, and satiety – the brain responds to internal signals that tell it when more energy is needed and when it is not.”

“The ‘Shareholder Value’ Movement. The onset of a movement to force corporations to produce more immediate and higher returns on investment especially increased competitive pressures on food companies.  Compteitive pressures forced food companies to consolidate, become larger, and seek new markets and ways to expand sales in existing markets.  The collateral result was a changed society.  Today, in contrast with the early 1980s, it is socially acceptable to eat in more places, more frequently, and in larger amounts, and for children to regularly consume fast foods, snacks, and sodas – changes that singly and together promote higher calorie intakes. “

She goes on to describe some of the ways in which this changed food environment promotes overeating:

  • Foods away from Home,
  • New Products (20,000 new products introduced per year)
  • Larger Portions
  • Ubiquity (food everywhere)
  • Frequency (constant nibbling)
  • Proximity (location of fast food restaurants near schools increases consumption and incidence of overweight)
  • Low Prices (on a per calorie basis, junk foods are cheaper than healthier foods)
  • Marketing Health (Experiments show that people eat more calories from snack foods labeled low fat, no trans fat, or organic.)

“If like most people, you do not notice how food marketing affects your food choices, it is because you are not supposed to.  You are especially not supposed to notice how it affects your children.  If you want to eat less, eat better, and be more active, you must – on your own – find strategies for coping with the “eat more” pressures from food marketers and your own biology.”

Finally, she suggests and details strategies to do just that and suggests people should find strategies that work for them in their own lives:

  • Get organized
  • Get motivated
  • Monitor your weight
  • Find support
  • Eat less
  • Be aware of calories (Here is the only disagreement I have with her.  She suggests that calorie counting is simply too difficult for people to do it effectively.  I think that may have been true in the past, but websites and apps like MyFitnessPal make it really easy.  However, I do agree with her not to be obsessive.  You have to recognize that calorie counting is really calorie estimating.  A few hundred calories in either direction is well within the margin of error.  It’s not an exact science to count calories, but I found it extremely educational and now do not need it to maintain my weight.)
  • Pick a diet that works for you.  The best diet is the one that helps you eat less and eat better in whatever way you enjoy:
    • Low fat: restricts calories from meat, full fat dairy, and fried foods
    • Low carbohydrate: restricts calories from bread, potatoes, pastas, desserts, sodas
    • Low glycemic index: restricts calories from foods containing rapidly absorbable sugars and starches
    • Vegetarian, vegan: restricts calories from meat and dairy foods
    • No food mixing: restricts calories from one food or another group
    • Volumetric: requires eating more low calorie fruits and vegetables

“Whatever you do, try to make changes you will be able to live with for the long term.”

I highly recommend this book for my fellow skeptics and rational people who just want some straight answers about issues of diet without the hyperbole and hype.  This is not a diet book, although I think reading it could be very helpful to someone trying to lose weight.


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No Packaged Foods, Unwrap Up

1 07 2012

(Yes, I do think I’m being funny with that title.  Har har har.)

If you’d like to read about the rest of the challenge first before reading this wrap up post:

Intro Post

Day 1

Day 10

Day 24

One month of no packaged foods ended up being really fun for me and a lot more educational than I expected.  It never ceases to amaze me how much more there always is to learn no matter what you know.

Probably the biggest thing I learned was that if I cut pretty much everything out of your diet except fruit, veggies, nuts, and whole grains, I can lose weight without counting calories.  If I eat all the veggies and fruit I want, and eat reasonable servings of nuts and grains, it’s pretty much impossible to get to my maintenance level of calories.

I’m not sure I’d recommend this.  Unless you are quite aware of what your calorie needs are, I can see it being easy to under eat on this sort of diet.  It would be wise, I believe, to monitor your intake if switching to this type of diet to ensure you eat enough for your body’s needs.  That’s what I did for the first week of the month so I’d have a general idea of how much I should eat.  It was a lot more than I had been eating in previous months.

There’s nothing magic about this type of eating, it’s just that I eliminated all the high calorie foods from my diet.  Yogurt, tofu, cheese, tortillas, pasta… all high calorie.  Veggies and fruit? Low calorie.  Simple calories in vs. calories out.

I lost 4 lb this month, which is spectacular.  It is the first time my weight has gone on a downward trend for several months.  I think I would be wise to get my weight back to the 165 range I was maintaining before I moved.  I am pretty amazed at how much better I feel like I look from losing this 4 lb.  It does make a difference.  My weight was 172 on the first of the month and 168 on the last day.

This is what weight maintenance is about to me.  I will never be able to just ignore it like a “normal” thin person.  As a formerly obese person, I plan to monitor my weight for the rest of my life.  And obviously, it makes so much more sense to take care of a small gain of 5-10 lb than to let it escalate past that point.  It would be nice to say I will get my weight back down to the 165 range and never regain it, but I do not think that is the case.  I feel that maintaining my weight will be a long term effort of gaining a little here, losing a little there, etc.  Life is not static.  We do not do the same thing every day.  Therefore, I have to constantly steer this ship in the right direction, or risk floating away on the tide.  I am happy to find I am able to do this rationally without freaking out.  Panic helps nothing.

I wrote about the habits I plan to keep in the last post.  I am thinking that adding a few minor packaged items back in will allow me to continue losing weight, perhaps a little more slowly, until I’m back in that comfortable range.

Today is July 1 and so I went shopping for some packaged foods I’d been missing.

Oh how I missed you, Organic Carrot Juice!

Surprisingly, I did not feel the need to buy yogurt, my every day staple breakfast food.  I think I’d rather just keep eating fruit, nuts, and whole grain cereal.  That’s a big change.

And the first meal I made incorporating some of these packaged items was pesto pasta.  I made the pesto from scratch, using hard cheese and packaged pasta.  It was delicious.

Packaged pasta, homemade pesto, with cheese.

Overall it was a great experiment.  I will look for new ways to break out of my comfort zone whenever the opportunity arises.


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After 30 Days Scale-Free…

30 04 2012

Today is April 30 and that means it’s the last day of the No Weigh In April challenge.  The last time I stepped on the scale it was March 31 and I weighed 169 pounds.

Tomorrow I plan to weigh myself.  I decided it was important to write this post before I then so I can see if my feelings change when I see “the number”.

I don’t think my weight has changed this month.  All my clothes fit the same as they always have.  I don’t know about you, but my clothes don’t fit the same every day.  Most of my jeans are a little too tight when they come out of the dryer and a little too loose after I wear them for a few days.  I experience “bloating” around my menstrual cycle.  I think my size actually does fluctuate a little day-to-day.

There are also mental fluctuations.  I definitely have “fat days” and “thin days” that really have nothing to do with my body but are dependent upon my state of mind.  If something is upsetting me, I will often “feel fat”.  And when I am happy and energetic, I will often “feel thin”.  And it is these fluctuations that most made me miss the scale this month.  I use the scale to confirm that these fluctuations are mental and I have not in fact gained or lost enough weight to make any difference.

I’m not concerned about gaining weight overnight.  I know it doesn’t work that way.  I eat very well and I exercise.  If I am eating more calories than my body needs, I am sure it is in a pretty small amount.  So what I am concerned with is gaining weight slowly over time and not noticing it. Since my perception of my body does not seem to be entirely based in reality, I think that’s a very real possibility of something that could happen if I don’t keep paying attention.  It’s happened before.

I didn’t have any trouble staying away from the scale this month.  Hardly thought about it at all, honestly.  And to me, this signals that I really am okay with it.  I don’t feel that not knowing changed my habits much.

I think this was a really useful experiment, and I am glad I did it.  From reading others’ comments, I realized that a lot of people do put a lot more meaning into this scale number than I do.  I do not base my self-worth on my weight.  That was one of the major lessons I taught myself while changing my lifestyle.  I am even okay with gaining weight, if it’s muscle.  I’m not tied to a number.  Heck, I accept that I weigh (about) 170 pounds.  For a woman, that is not easy.  I think I have a really healthy relationship with my weight number.  I understand that my weight fluctuates and it is normal to me.

I miss the data.  What can I say, I like graphs, charts, and math.  I like numbers.  I miss using my weight to predict my menstrual cycle.  Darn thing snuck up on me this month!  Just like I like looking at how many miles are on my car, or how much data is stored on my computer’s hard drive, or how many page-views I have had on my blog, I like tracking my daily weight.

At least that’s how I feel about it today.  If I start weighing myself again and notice any difference in how I feel about it or myself, I’ll re-evaluate.  As of now, I plan to go back to weighing myself daily starting tomorrow.  I wrote a blog post about why I do that, and it holds true for me today.

I think different tools work for different people.  This is a tool that works for me at the moment.  I don’t need it, and it isn’t the end all be all of everything, but it’s available to me and I will use all the tools I can get to help me maintain my weight loss and lifestyle change.


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Categories : Weight

April Challenge: No Weigh In

1 04 2012
Join Us!

Join us!

If you follow this blog, you are probably aware that I use the scale as a tool by which I keep track of my progress and check in with myself daily to make sure the weight isn’t creeping back on.  I think I have a pretty good grip on what those numbers mean and what they don’t mean.  I know the scale doesn’t judge my worth.  I know it’s just data, and I feel that I’m pretty detached from the fluctuating numbers.  I’m quite good at predicting whether I will be up or down in weight on any given day based on my actions the previous day.  Didn’t drink enough water = fluctuation up.  Did a long cardio session = fluctuation down.  Lower body weight lifting = fluctuation up.  Drank plenty of water = fluctuation down.  Menstruation or ovulation = fluctuation up.  Etc.

I don’t think the scale can drive you crazy unless you let it.  I even recently wrote a blog post about Why I Weigh Myself Daily.

But when Angie Gooding – Body Image Specialist started this challenge on her Facebook page, I realized that the thought of not weighing myself makes me uncomfortable.  I have become accustomed to it.  It tells me I’m doing “okay” – but do I actually need this number to validate my performance?  No.  My clothes fit.  I eat right.  I exercise as planned.  I am doing well regardless of what the number is.  However, I still feel dependent upon this number.  Not knowing what it is makes me nervous.

So I decided to do it.  All of our best learning experiences come from stepping outside our comfort zone.  I quit calorie counting again last week, and now I’ve quit the scale.  It’s going to be a number free month.  And no, I’m not going to measure myself instead.  That would sort of destroy the point, wouldn’t it?  The truth is, no matter what I weigh on any given day, it doesn’t really change what I do.  I work out Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday regardless.  I eat well regardless.  I drink water regardless.  I just record that number every morning and I have the graphs to prove it!

When my weight goes up I don’t get upset.  It’s normal, I know.  It fluctuates, I know.  But when my weight goes down, I do find it makes me happy!  I suppose this is left over from my weight loss journey when I decided to weigh myself daily but only record the lowest weights.  My reasoning was that those are the “real” weights and the rest is just food and water.  Celebrate every victory, right?  Even a 1 lb loss is to be celebrated.  But I’m in a different situation now.  I’m not working on losing weight.  I haven’t quite found the right strategy for maintaining it.  Should it make me happy on the days I weigh less?  Why is that?  Why are we emotionally tied to the amount of pounds we contain?

I think a lot of it has to do with the way weight loss is portrayed in the media.  On shows like The Biggest Loser or in commercials for Nutrisystem, it’s ALL about the weight.  That number is held up as the ultimate trophy of success.  And I will admit it, I use this to my advantage.  I know people hear I’ve lost One Hundred and Twenty pounds and it immediately gives me a kind of credibility you can’t get any other way.  People are much more amazed that I lost over 100 pounds than they are that I got a great job before I even graduated from college.  It’s my claim to fame.  I’m learning to accept that, but it does feel a little silly sometimes.  Is weight loss really such a miraculous thing?  Do I really get a trophy for just taking care of myself- which I should have been doing all along.  I don’t think it makes me queen of the universe or anything, but people sure do seem to be impressed by it.

Why is that so much more impressive than the fact that I used to barely be able to walk up the stairs and now I can run for miles?  Why is it more worthy of celebration than the fact that I used to eat so much junk and now I eat such healthy food.  Why do we celebrate this single thing, this number, instead of our actions?  Shouldn’t I get a trophy for making it to the gym even when I have to work overtime and cooking my own dinner even when I’m tired and stressed out, if anything?  Why does it matter what I weigh?

These are just some of my many thoughts as I go into this challenge.  I weighed 169 lb yesterday and I will not be getting back on the scale until May 1.  Or maybe I won’t get back on it at all.  I’ll have to see what I learn along the way.

If you are interested in joining me, there’s still time!  Check out the No Weigh In April facebook page - which is moderated by me and several other health related bloggers.


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