Before and After and…

21 04 2013

Since shifting my focus away from weight, I’ve been contemplating the multitude of “Before and After” pictures I have shared and what to do going forward.

I have very mixed feelings about those pictures, to be honest.

On one hand, I want to take them all down. This isn’t about what I look like, it’s about lifestyle. Health. Fitness. Happiness. Inner peace. Etc. When people see those pictures everything is all wrapped up in an outer package. What does that really mean? It means less than people think it does. It can mean so many different things. This image, of a large body made small, is a ubiquitous symbol of success. A montage of bad and good. Failure and victory.

But you can’t see everything in these pictures. You can’t see my health. Yes my health has improved and I am in much better shape than I’ve ever been fitness wise. Coinciding with that, my body is smaller. But one does not necessarily equal the other. One can find her body shrinking for reasons other than improved health. A person in the grips of an illness or eating disorder might be able to produce a before and after picture of a larger body turned small. Conversely, a person may add daily exercise and better foods to her life and remain in a body of the same size. It’s all more complicated than I realized when I initially created those pictures. I wonder about the message they send and if I stand behind it.

On the other hand, this is my personal story and my personal truth. All of those pictures are still me. I am proud of them. For me, they do represent a positive change in my lifestyle and my overall well-being in addition to the smaller body. For me, it did all work that way. I am not ashamed of any picture in the montage. I embrace them all. Steps on a ladder. A record of change. Pictures of different points in my life. I have decided not to take any of them down, just as I do not edit my old blog posts no matter how much I have changed my mind.

In fact, I decided to make a new one, because I think these pictures will mean a lot to me when I am older and wiser. Even now, I like looking at them. No, they do not tell the whole story and they don’t tell a story everyone experiences. But they do tell a big part of my story. This is my personal truth.

I vividly remember taking each one.

The first picture is the only picture I can find of myself before I started losing weight. I was checking out the house I ended up renting in Phoenix, AZ and I caught myself in a picture of the bathroom mirror. I knew I was in the picture, but I was very far away. I had to crop this picture from a much larger shot intended to show the rooms of the house, not my body. It’s an accident this picture exists. I was in Phoenix in August and I had never experienced anything like that desert heat. I remember the smell- like dry asphalt baking in the sun. But the scenery was amazing. I felt like I was on Mars.

The second picture is from the locker-room of the 24 Hour Fitness I belonged to for a total of three years while living in Phoenix. I had just run a continuous mile on the treadmill for the first time in my life, ever, including high school. I was very excited. I remember the feeling that anything was possible. “I got this.” I said to myself.

The third picture is the day I hit my initial goal weight of 180 pounds after 18 months of calorie counting and exercising 5-6 times a week. Making a goal and meeting it after so much effort is a very rewarding experience indeed. My confidence was through the roof. I wanted to do this, I did it. I rule.

The fourth picture was taken shortly after I reached my lowest weight ever, around 160 lb. The pictures I have of myself at this time give me a strange feeling to look at. It’s the smallest I have ever been in my adult life by a lot. This picture is probably the only picture I’ve ever seen of myself and thought, without a doubt, “I am skinny.” This is a bizarre experience for someone who has always been larger. Surreal. I don’t remember anything about the day or the circumstance of the picture. I took it in the bathroom of my house because I thought the outfit made me look a lot thinner than I usually felt. It’s strange to look at this picture and think about how much I thought about what I looked like. I’m glad I don’t spend that much time thinking about it anymore.

The fifth picture was taken last year in June. I hadn’t hung the Kandinsky painting on the wall in my new apartment in Redwood City, CA. I was settling in to life in California and my new job location, new gym, new climate. In this new place, in my smaller body, I felt gloriously anonymous. No longer did strangers approach me at my gym, at restaurants, at the grocery store and comment on my body size. In Phoenix, it would frequently happen that someone who had seen me “before” wanted to come talk to me about the “after”. Suddenly, I wasn’t Kate-Who-Used-to-be-Fat, I was just me. Average sized person. Nothing to see here. It was very freeing. I felt that I had left that chapter behind in a way. Now I was free to just live my life.

The sixth and final picture I took today. The painting is on the wall and the place is kind of a mess. That’s how you know I live here. I just ate brunch with my boyfriend; scrambled eggs with spinach, mushrooms, green onions, and garlic and roasted potatoes. I am almost finished with the novel I’m reading (Jennifer Egan’s Look At Me – so good.) After I finish writing this I’m going to go outside and walk around the neighborhood for awhile. Everything is blooming. California smells like blossoms and spices- sage, cilantro, eucalyptus, jasmine…

to be continued...

to be continued…





Health is not a Size

23 11 2012

Let’s start with the basics.  What is “health”?  I rather like the World Health Organization’s definition:

Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.

In other words, health is a complicated concept.  It is a balance of many things.  Health cannot be reduced to body size.

It is commonly accepted by society, although not always true, that a person who falls outside the desired weight range is unhealthy.  However, it is also obviously true that people who fall within the desired weight range can be unhealthy as well.   If an overweight person eats healthy food, is active, and generally content and happy, is she less healthy than a “normal” weight person who eats nothing but fast food, sits on the couch all day, and is miserable and depressed?  Should “normal” weight individuals ignore their eating habits and forget about moving their bodies?  Doesn’t this line of thinking do “normal” weight people a huge disservice?

I could post lots of links to studies that question just how linked weight and health actually are, but let’s say that health IS weight, just for the sake of argument.  Let’s say that all overweight people are unhealthy.  Well, we’ve spent the last 20 years hearing about how unhealthy fat people are and our collective weight continues to rise.  Clearly this line of messaging is ineffective.  I would argue it is counterproductive as well.

When the primary focus is on losing weight, the first step is generally to Go On A Diet.  This is what we as a society do when we want to lose weight, we go on diets.  Yet studies show that in the long term, diets do not workAs a matter of fact, it is becoming more and more clear that dieting leads to weight gain, not loss, in the long run.  In the short term, of course it works.  You do lose weight on a diet.  The problem is if there is not permanent change to habits, the weight will return as soon as the old habits return.  All this focus on losing weight and dieting compounds the issue, rather than making a start at a solution.

Weight is a difficult thing to control and true changes take time.  People find this very discouraging.  If you find yourself 100 or more pounds overweight, it can seem insurmountable.  It took me 18 months to lose 100 pounds.  There was no immediate gratification.  There were many weeks when I did not lose any weight at all.  You need a ton of patience and commitment to reach a goal so overwhelming.  Patience is a rare thing.  Telling people they will not meet their goals for years can be incredibly discouraging.  Many people simply give up before they start.

Let’s forget weight for a moment though.  No matter what your size, everyone can make changes to our lifestyles in pursuit of better health right now.  I promote eating healthy and nutritious food for everyone.  You can choose vegetables or fruit instead of cake or chips right now.  I promote fitness through moving your body for everyone.  You can get up out of your chair and go for a walk right now.  I promote getting a proper amount of sleep.  You can choose to turn off the TV and go to bed earlier today.  I promote reducing stress in your life.  You can start being kinder to yourself today.

You can have instant gratification when you change your focus from weight to actions.  You can control your actions immediately.  You only need to make the choice.  And if you did any of the things I mentioned in the previous paragraph, that is worth celebrating no matter what your size.  You should be proud. Give yourself a pat on your back!  And do it again tomorrow.

When I was 250 pounds, I was eating the right amount, tons of vegetables, very little junk food.  I was exercising regularly, 6 times a week for more than an hour each time without fail.  I had lost almost 40 pounds but I was still obese.  People could look at me and make assumptions about my lifestyle based on my size, but they would have been wrong.  Lucky for me, I realized that improving my health was about actions and behaviors.  Repetition of those behaviors led to weight loss.

When I was 230 pounds, I could run a 5K.  I have “healthy” weight friends who cannot run one mile.  Who is more fit, the fat girl who can run 3 miles or the thin girl who gets tired walking up the steps?

At no time at any weight did I ever have high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, or any other diagnosable health problem.  “Healthy” weight people can have heart disease.  Heart attacks.  Triple bypass surgery.  Diabetes.  High blood pressure.  These issues can often be resolved by lifestyle changes.  Inactivity and over-consumption of junk food can harm your health even if you are thin.  Our focus is in the wrong place.  How many thin people afflicted by lifestyle-related diseases thought they were immune because their weight was within the “right” range?

Keeping people focused on weight is a lucrative business for the food, diet, medical, and pharmaceutical industries.  This is not about health, because living a healthier lifestyle is free.  This is about money.  You don’t need to buy anything to start making better choices right now.

Weight loss can be a wonderful thing for people.  It has been for me.  I am certainly healthier now than I was when I was 100 pounds heavier.  I feel better, both mentally and physically.  But I also know that in large part, those improvements are due to my actions as much as, if not more than, my reduction in size.  I have to keep doing those things, eating right, exercising, even now that I do not want to lose any more weight.  If I had gone to unhealthy extremes to lose the pounds, I sincerely doubt I would be experiencing so many benefits.  Many people end up in a worse mental state after weight loss than they do before.  Mental health is a large part of health.  For some people, focusing on their weight can lead to very unhealthy mental states.  I fully believe that being a few pounds over the “ideal” weight range, but mentally content can be healthier than obsessing about lowering your weight and feeling miserable or guilty about your food choices.

Finally, health is a very personal issue.  I do not think it’s up to me to tell other people how to be healthy, whether that is to be a certain size, eat a certain way, or exercise a certain amount.  I know that life is complicated and we make sacrifices in one area to focus on another.  Being “unhealthy” is not a moral sin to me.  Many times, no matter what great lifestyle choices we make, we will still suffer health problems in some capacity nonetheless.  I find the finger-pointing at others and judgment of health completely counter-productive, and frankly obnoxious.  The only people who should be involved in health-related decisions are the individual, their doctors, and their loved ones.  Such personal and life-changing decisions are not for strangers to make from afar.

For those of us, like myself, who would like to help others find a path to a healthier life and enjoy all the benefits, I believe the best way to go about it is to lead by example and be inclusive.  That’s why I talk about things you can do right now.  It’s not about being perfect all the time, it’s just about taking small steps each day to lead you to feel a little better.  If you took one of those steps today, I applaud you – no matter what your size.





Personal Responsibility

16 07 2012

Last night, I was looking through an old sketchbook/notepad and I found a grocery list from around 2006.  I was living in Philadelphia, I was a full time student, and I was obese.  Here’s what was on the list:

  • cilantro
  • red pepper
  • purple onion
  • cheese
  • sour cream
  • lettuce
  • black beans
  • milk
  • fat-free cream
  • grapefruit juice
  • eggs
  • potatoes
  • bread
  • limes
  • jalapeno
  • garlic
  • onions
  • tortilla chips

It struck me that I could make almost this exact list today, if I actually made shopping lists.  So I found myself asking myself, “Where was I going wrong?  What caused be to become and remain obese?”

I ask myself that question a lot and have for the past 3.5 years since I started this lifestyle change adventure.  How can you make sure you don’t ever do it again without examining what you did wrong?

The answer is extremely simple: portion size.  I really didn’t eat that poorly, most of the time.  Sure, I ate some fast food, some potato chips, and drank a lot of beer.  But in general, most of the time, I ate strikingly similar things to what I eat now.  I used to go to Reading Terminal Market, which like a giant farmers market inside an old train station, and buy all kinds of fancy produce.  I’ve always loved that stuff.

I wasn’t all that sedentary either, now that I’m really thinking about it.  I used to walk everywhere.  I didn’t own a car.  Those trips to Reading Terminal were on foot.  I walked to and from school, work, friend’s houses, the bar, and everywhere I went.  No, I didn’t “exercise,” but I was on my feet a lot more than most people.  I waited tables at a restaurant for awhile where the kitchen and bar were on the first floor and the tables were upstairs.  8 hours a day going up and down stairs?  Definitely not sedentary.

Comments on my Facebook page have got me thinking about the way other people talk about “what fat people should do” and it always involves something on the lines of “take personal responsibility for yourself” which I always read in a condescending tone, whether it is intended that way or not.

I mean, I think about what I was like when I was fat and why I didn’t “take personal responsibility” and change myself for so long.  The best answer I can come up with is that it simply wasn’t a priority to me.  I had other things to do.  I was busy.  Life was going on.  I was dealing with things.  I didn’t want to.

I wonder if people who have never been fat think we just sit around crying all the time wishing to God or anyone who will listen that we would please wake up Not Fat and making excuses for ourselves all day while stuffing our faces full of crappy food and refusing to believe that this is all our fault.

I never felt that way.  Being fat didn’t make me stupid.  I was pretty sure that if I wanted to not be fat, I would have to change my eating habits and lifestyle.  In fact, when I finally did decide I wanted to change, I was wildly successful.  See?  Not stupid.  Sure, sometimes I thought, “It would be nice not to be fat” but I also thought “It would be nice to have a million dollars.”  And then I went on about my busy, friend-filled, amusing, depressing, exciting, dreary, ever-changing, dramatic, romantic, independent life.  Just like everyone else, fat or thin.

So why did I eat too much?  Was it because I was lazy?  Was it because I was weak?  No!  It actually wasn’t.  I ate too much because that is how I learned to eat.  Nobody ever taught me to stop eating.  My mother told me about the starving children in Africa.  She gave us easy access to snack foods galore and all the TV I could watch.  Eating too much, eating for taste, eating for boredom, eating for stress and sadness, these were my ways of life before I was even a teenager.  Why would that be different when I left home?  It wasn’t, I continued eating the way I learned.

I think changing our own lives IS a matter of personal responsibility.  Nobody can do it but you.  Nobody else can make you want to.  Nobody else can do it for you.

But I think the reasons people find themselves obese and find it very difficult to change are many, varied, and far more complex than personal responsibility.   Trying to change the way you have eaten since childhood is wicked hard, I’m not going to lie.  It takes a monumental effort over a long period of time.  It requires some dedication.  And you know what?  I think for a long time in my life, I didn’t have the motivation and energy in me to deal with it.  I had to deal with a lot of other difficult things in my life, and I’m damned proud I am where I am right now after coming through some very hard situations far beyond my control.

Once I was settled down, had that secure job and the secure relationship with someone supportive, I was ready to choose to make that change.

Energy is a finite resource.  I will not feel guilty for my life, just because I was fat.  I know in my heart, it didn’t mean I was lazy or weak.  I know in my heart, the reasons I became obese were on many levels not my fault (and believe me, it is really difficult for me to say those three words.  I’m generally convinced that everything is my fault.)  I also know in my heart that I was able to change because I was ready, whereas before I was not ready.  Some people are not ready, yet.

Now take notice, I was able to change my life using my awesome powers of Personal Responsibility.  Here I am!  I exercise regularly, I eat great, and I’m maintaining my 120 pound weight loss.  I did it all by myself.  And at the same time, I am able to see all the reasons it took me 30 years of my life to do it and understand, it was complicated and know that I am rationally examining the facts, not making excuses for myself.

Obstacles aren’t the same thing as excuses.  I think sometimes people are discouraged from talking about their obstacles because other people just accuse them of making excuses.  Only YOU know what’s really an obstacle to you and what’s an excuse.  Don’t let anyone else make you feel guilty if you haven’t found the strength, time, or desire to take personal responsibility just yet.  It’s your life and there are a lot of ways to live it.  It’s your path to make.





Q&A: emotional eating, motivation, creative cooking, belly fat, & more

4 03 2012

Today I’m answering some questions people posted on my Facebook page.  We’ve got everything here from emotional eating to melting belly fat to getting creative in the kitchen.

“How do you get past emotional eating? I’m not talking about a one day binge.. I mean like eating bad foods constantly for over a week, because it’s basically the only thing comforting you through your hard times….” -Sakenah

Knowing is half the battle.  I found other better ways to deal with stress.  First, I observed what triggered me to feel that way and then I came up with alternative plans.  Exercise and writing have been two big ones for me.  Over-eating doesn’t really comfort you.  Taking care of yourself will comfort you.  Or best of all, talking about how you feel with somebody who understands, even if that’s someone online.  I found a lot of support by participating in online weight loss forums because you’ll find out you aren’t alone- lots of people have very similar issues.

“Is coconut oil good or bad?” -ChefTraclyn

Good.  Delicious and healthy.

“What is your stand on water…I know you drink it because you’ve said you do in passing on other posts. However, you also don’t make a huge deal about it like a lot of people do. Would you say that you advocate drinking to keep healthy hydration rather than drinking just to fill in a carved in stone number of ounces/gallons per day?” – Lisa

I drink a lot of water.  I don’t have a specific goal, but I’m always drinking water at my desk, at the gym, at home.  I don’t drink anything else except a morning cup of coffee and an occasional unsweetened iced tea, or even more occasional glass of wine.  I think it’s really important to keep yourself hydrated and that water flushes your system.  It’s not a magic weight loss solution though.  I think the best way of judging if you’re drinking the right amount of water is your urine.  If it’s dark, you aren’t drinking enough.  If it’s light, you’re drinking the right amount.  If it’s colorless, you’re drinking too much.  The majority of liquids consumed should be plain water, in my opinion.

“Where and how did you get so creative in your cooking? Did you start by using any cookbook or recipe websites? Everything you make looks so good, but I wouldn’t know how to make anything without a recipe.” -Healthy, Organic & Cheap

I always liked cooking, but I used to cook much calorie-denser foods.  I’ve cooked a lot of recipes, and I am always googling things like “how long to cook cous cous” or “how to bake turnips”.  But then I find I can take it from there.  I know what I like and I just put the things I know taste good together, together.  I let the ingredients dictate what I cook.  I don’t shop with a list, I buy whatever produce looks the freshest and/or is on sale.  There’s a great book you might enjoy that’s quite descriptive to the way of cooking I follow.  It’s called An Everlasting Meal by Tamar Adler.  I think of cooking as more art than science.  Some basic techniques and it’s hard to go wrong.

“What melts away belly fat?” -Jessica

Nothing.  There is no way to spot reduce fat.  Unfortunately, we don’t get to choose where the fat comes off our bodies.  We simply have to lose body fat overall and eventually it will come off.  Many people lose last in their bellies.  Some of us (like me) lose last in our hips and thighs.  It’s genetic and there’s nothing you can do about it.  You can strength train, and I think it’s a great idea to do that, but it won’t make you smaller.  The way to lose body fat is to eat less than you burn but not too much less because you don’t want to starve yourself.

“You’ve said it took you 2 years to lose the weight (I think?), and that you were committed to stick with it as long as it took. What tips do you have to keep your motivation and focus when you don’t see significant changes in the mirror. I’ve doen great – have lost about 25 pounds since January. Need to lose 75 more. I wish I could see the differences more easily. My co-workers and family tell me the changes are evident to them, but I can’t see them. I saw a picture of myself a few days ago and it caused me significant pause as it seems like I still look the same.” -Lynne

I think when I started I was just in the right frame of mind.  I had no idea how long it would take but it seemed like an insurmountable goal.  Losing 100+ lb- I knew it was going to take a long time.  I decided I would lose weight no matter how long it took.  It takes awhile for our brains to catch up to the new us.  I’m going to write more about this a few questions down.

“What do you do to combat food cravings, especially during TTOM? I have a hard time just eating one cookie etc. How to you keep up with exercising when you are exhausted from grueling days at work? (I work in a Burn ICU as a RN, 12 hr shifts)” -Jessica

I don’t keep foods in the house that I feel I can’t eat in moderation.  I pretty much never have cookies and I rarely have anything like chips or crackers.  I think, if you buy it, you are going to eat it.  So I just don’t buy it.  When I want a treat once in awhile, like a cookie, I go get a really awesome amazing one somewhere, maybe at a local bakery.  At home, I use very small bowls to portion out snack items that I do eat like almonds or peanuts.  If I eat it, I record it in my calorie counting app.  That keeps me accountable for what I eat.  I eat a little more when I am super-ravenous right before my period.  I think it’s my body telling me something.  I don’t go crazy, but I relax a little bit and have a bit more food.

My job is really sedentary.  I sit at a desk all day.  If you’re really active at work, maybe you don’t need to work out as much as I do.  It might be better to plan some extra activity on your days off rather than exhaust yourself- sleep is really important too.

“What was the trigger that caused the fire under your butt to change? How did you stay motivated during the tough times? What are your top plateau tips? How do you overcome years of talking to yourself one way and change it to “I can do this”? What advice would you go back and give yourself? Do you ever feel pretty/good enough?” -Kristina

Lots of questions :)   Moving cross country was the trigger that caused me to change.  I stayed motivated because I really wanted to do this and I was committed to it.  If you’re in a plateau, change it up- diet, exercise, or both.  It’s a long process to change how you talk to yourself, but just practice a little every day and eventually you can change.  Once I lost 60 lb, I felt sure “I got this” and it got much easier.  If I could go back, I’d try to convince myself to do this sooner- but I probably would have failed because I wasn’t ready before now.  I feel like I am good enough and I feel attractive, I like the way I look in the mirror.  I know I am not perfect, but I don’t think I have to be.  I am so much more than my appearance.

“How did you get through your plateaus? Did you make any changes or keep on doing what you’re doing and have faith that you’ll eventually bust through it? How do you stay motivated at the times when you’re not seeing the forward progress you want?” -Natalie

Make changes!  You are making progress, even if you the scale isn’t moving.  If you’re learning how to eat a healthy diet in the right portions and you are exercising or moving your body- you are making progress.  The scale will catch up eventually.

“Do you still see the old you in your head? That’s my sticking point. After losing and maintaiing a 90 lb weight loss, I still see the old me in my head. It’s been several years, but the me in my head is still taking time to catch up. Other people see the current me, and when I am walking by a window or something, I’ll think “who is that” but it’s me. When does the me in my head catch up with the real me? And did that make sense?” -Nancy

I do see the new me.  I look very very different.  I see pictures of how I used to look when I was heavy and I can’t believe I was ever that heavy.  I don’t think I ever really saw myself then.  Like, I got dressed and looked in the mirror, but I didn’t really “SEE” myself.  Then I would see a photo of me and think “who is that?” like you said.  I didn’t feel like I was that big.  Funny how we can be so able to not see what’s right in front of us isn’t it?  I feel like now I look like what I always felt like I did.  The outside picture matches the inside picture.
Also, try on a lot of clothes, take a lot of pictures, and maybe do some side by side comparisons to see how far you’ve really come.

 





My Lifestyle Change, Losing 120 lb and Keeping it Off

26 02 2012

I realized that bits and pieces of my story are all over the place, on this blog, on my facebook page, on fatsecret, in my head…  but I’ve never written a summary of the whole story.  So I’m going to do that now, up to today including how I lost the weight and how I have kept it off.  I will try to keep it brief.  I plan to include a much more detailed account when I write my book.

Starting Point, 287 lb, size 22/24

Me, November 2008

At the end of 2008, I accepted a job transfer from Massachusetts to Phoenix, Arizona.  I had wanted to lose weight for a long time and I had tried unsuccessfully many times, losing 10-20 lb and gaining it back.  I even lost over 100 lb when I was 20 but had gained that all back as well.  I was at my all time high weight, close to 300 lb.
I thought, if I’m going to live somewhere that hot, I am really going to need to lose this weight.  But I was done with unsustainable diets.  I made up my mind that I would lose the weight and never gain it back, no matter how long that took.  I think I finally realized that the only way to do that was to change my lifestyle permanently.  Old habits = old body.  Something finally clicked.

The first thing I did was join a gym.  I was most frustrated with the state of my cardiovascular health.  I had always been a walker- living in Philadelphia for 8 years without a car, I walked everywhere.  But my career had put me at a desk in front of a computer screen, living in the suburbs and forced to drive instead of walk.  I had put on quite a few extra pounds in the few years preceding and was very out of shape.  I knew that exercise was going to be important.

I hated going to the gym.  I was always out of breath no matter what I did.  I felt out of place and uncomfortable as one of the largest people I saw around me.  But I stuck it out and committed to going to the gym at least 4 days a week.  I didn’t do much but the elliptical and some of the weight lifting machines.

Weight didn’t start magically falling off just from working out, unfortunately.  I  knew I had to do something about my diet.  In January 2009, I found a website called MyFatSecret.com where you could track calories.  I decided to give it a try.  Counting calories was all brand new to me.  I had never thought much about nutrition.  I learned quickly that I had been eating much more than I thought.  I learned that my idea of portion sizes had been way off.  It was no longer a mystery to me why I was obese.  I started to really see that my choices had given me the body I had and that it would be my choices that would change me.  As soon as I started counting calories, I started losing weight.  I didn’t change what I was eating very much, but I did start eating breakfast.  My main concern was eating less calories than I burned.  I lost about 60 lb that way.

During that time, I kept to myself.  I wasn’t blogging or participating in any online weight loss forums.  But after the first year and losing 60 lb, I started to feel like I had something to share and I started this blog.

Adjusting Along the Way, 220 lb, size 16

About a year into it, about 60 lb down

The tricky thing about weight loss is that you have to keep changing what you’re doing along the way.  This can be very frustrating at first, and I know it caused me to have more than a few temper tantrums.  As you lose weight, you burn less calories overall.  As you exercise, you have to push yourself harder and harder to get the same heart rate rise.  You have to keep doing better.  Doing the same thing over and over and over again doesn’t work.

I had a few plateaus along the way.  Each time I would get upset that what I was doing stopped working and each time I fought my way out of it by changing what I was doing.  I tried new exercises- classes, weight lifting, running.  You name it, I tried it.  My default answer became “Yes, I will try it” instead on “Um, no thanks, I don’t think so.

I also really started changing my diet after about a year into it.  I watched Food Inc and decided to go back to being vegetarian.  I read In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan and took it to heart.  I started really paying attention to the contents of my food instead of just the nutritional information.  It was at this point that something really clicked with me.  Once I started eating all whole real foods, everything became easier.  I had that feeling of “I got this.” and I knew I could make it to any goal I set for myself.

Finding My Goal Weight, 165 lb size 8/10

Finishing the Job

My initial goal weight was 180 lb.  That sounded reasonable to me.  In the beginning, I thought how wonderful it would be to be a size 14!  To be a size that could shop somewhere other than Lane Bryant or The Avenue.  I never wanted to be skinny, I just wanted to lose the excess weight.   I reached 180 lb in August 2010.  It took me 20 months to lose 107 lb.  I felt pretty happy with myself at that point and I took a few months off from trying to lose weight.

This was the first time I practiced maintenance.  All I did was stop counting calories.  I kept eating what I had been eating and I kept exercising just as I had been, but I relaxed what I was eating just a tiny bit.  I stopped losing weight and I didn’t gain it either.

After awhile, I felt like I would like to try to lose a little more.  I decided to take it 5 lb at a time and see how it went.  I decided that if the weight came off easily, I would keep going.  If it became a big struggle, I would stop.  I made it to 165 lb in about 6 months and decided I felt good about that weight and I called it quits.

Post-Weight Loss to Today

My Weight History

Me, Feb 2012

This is me now.  I have maintained my weight with some minor adjustments for 1 year.  Sometimes I can’t believe how far I’ve come and how different everything is now.  I love exercise!  I look forward to it all day long.  And it makes sense to me – of course I hated exercise when I started.  I was so out of shape, everything was really difficult.  Now I very frequently impress myself with my ability to do things I could never do before like running long distances or lifting heavy weights.

I wear a size 8 or 10.  I never dreamed I would.  I have so many options when I go clothes shopping, it’s a little overwhelming.  When I go to the doctor, they don’t even question my weight.  It is a non-issue.  This is such a relief.  I feel like people finally see me for me instead of just seeing that I was heavy.  It’s sad the way the world judges those who are overweight.  I feel like I am finally free of that stigma.  I feel very happy with myself when I look in the mirror.

I’m not perfect.  I wouldn’t be caught dead in a bikini.  But that’s okay.  I’ve lost 12o lb and I am 34 years old.  I cannot expect my body to be perfect after all I’ve put it through in my life.  A lot of this journey was about self-acceptance for me and breaking away from the expectations placed on women to look a certain way.  Forget that.  I will decide what is right for me and nobody else.  I have so much confidence in myself now and I feel that it is truly up to me to take care of my body the way I see fit.  I don’t do this for anybody else or to fit into any type of mold, I do it for my health and so that I can live my own life as fully as possible.

I have so many things I love to do now that weren’t part of my life before.  I love physical activities and I absolutely adore cooking.  I shop in a much different way and I love food even more than I did when I was heavy.  But I love food that makes me Feel Good and Look Good as well as Taste Good.

I weigh myself daily.  It’s my moment to check in with myself before getting on with the day.  Yes I am eating right.  Yes I am exercising.  Yes I am engaged with my body.  No, I am not going back where I was before.  Old habits = old body.  I love my new body, and my new habits have become engrained in my life.  It’s not a struggle for me anymore, it’s a joy.





My Own Personal Fat Camp, Phoenix Arizona

20 12 2011

When I was offered a job transfer to Arizona from Massachusetts over 3 years ago, my general attitude about it was “why not?”  I wasn’t particularly thrilled with Massachusetts, I didn’t know much about the American Southwest, and it seemed like my skills would be better suited to the work in the Phoenix location (they certainly were).  I started looking into it.  Interesting landscape, crazy weather.  Let nobody try to tell you otherwise: a dry heat is definitely more pleasant than a humid heat, but 115 degrees is murderously hot no matter what.  You simply cannot do anything outside during the day in the summer and summer lasts from June until October (or November if it was this year.)

One of the first things I thought when I considered moving to Phoenix was “If I’m going to live somewhere that hot, I’m really going to have to lose weight.”  Hot is so much hotter when you’re fat.  In fact, this year I really did not mind the summer half as much as I did the previous two years, being at a healthy body weight.

Sometimes I feel like Phoenix was my own personal fat camp.  Much like the contestants on weight loss TV shows, I was completely out of my element.  I did not have any of my old family or friends around me.  I had no obligations but work.  All of the sudden there was nobody asking me to go out to the bar, nobody coming over for brunch.  It was just my boyfriend and me.  He wanted to join a gym, so we did that about 2 months after settling in.  And the rest is history.

I know what an amazing advantage I had in this cross-country move.  Many times it is our friends and loved ones who make it difficult to change ourselves.  It’s not that they don’t love and care for us, it’s that they are used to us the way we are.  I can’t imagine how infinitely more difficult this would have been around some of my best friends back in Philadelphia.  Not that I blame them.  They just made it that much easier to keep making poor choices… and in all honesty it was pretty fun.  I’m not sure what would have happened if I had not moved.  With not much else to put my effort into, changing my lifestyle became my main focus.  And I had a helpful coach, my boyfriend.  Thankfully, his best coaching technique was to let me do my own thing then answer questions if and when I asked.  He never pressured me to lose weight at all, and he never tried to discourage me either.  He’s the very definition of “supportive.”

Fast forward to now, I’ll be 34 in a few weeks and I’m saying goodbye to fat camp.  I’ve had my current job for going on six years, and I’m transferring again to the SF Bay area in California.  My general attitude about moving to California is “Oh hell yeah!”  I’ve wanted to move to CA since I was about 13.  Moving to Phoenix always felt like I made it 90% of the way to where I was trying to go.  Just a minor three year detour.  I’m really grateful for the detour.  Now I’m moving to the place I want to be as the person I want to be.

On the left: me three years ago taking a photo of my new rental home in Phoenix.  On the right: me 2 weeks ago taking a picture of my new apartment in Redwood City (which by the way costs quite a bit more than my house in Phoenix, but let’s not talk about that.)

I'm leaving something behind in Phoenix: about 120 lb.

I could tell you the reasons I don’t like living in Phoenix.  They extend well beyond the weather.  But I didn’t just lose weight in Arizona, I also found out how life-changing it can be to focus on the positive and let the negative pass me by.  Overall, I have enjoyed my time here even though I knew it wasn’t permanently for me.  So instead I will tell you the best thing about the place besides the extremely low cost of living: the sunsets.

amazing sunsets in Phoenix Arizona





Weight Maintenance – What it Really Looks Like (Charts!)

23 11 2011

Well, this is a first for me on this blog: I’m writing to tell you about a weight gain.  In the process of thinking about this, I decided to share with you my weight maintenance chart thus far.  I didn’t want to write about this during the 30 day challenge, even though I realized it was happening a few weeks ago.  This is not a big deal and I didn’t want it to take away from what I was getting out of the challenge.  No need for condolences.  It’s all par for the course.

You see, I don’t expect my weight to remain perfectly steady at all times, but I don’t want to take trends too lightly either.  I’ve only been at this weight maintenance thing for about 8 months and it’s something I’ve never done before in my life so I’m still figuring it out.  I know there will be challenges and changes along the way because life is not constant and nothing in life remains perfectly still.

I think a lot of people mistakenly think that weight maintenance will look like this:

idealized weight maintenance

So I am here to tell you it does not.  I weigh myself almost every day unless I’m traveling or I forget for some reason.  Then I record that weight using an iPhone app that’s meant for tracking your menstrual cycle called iPeriod.  This may sound a bit obsessive to some people, but I think it’s very important for me to remain engaged with what is going on with my body.  Perhaps someday this will be unnecessary, but not at the moment.  I have learned that my weight will fluctuate daily and I am not bothered by this.  Recording those fluctuations helps me see the overall trend that’s so easy to lose in the day to day ups and downs.  It also helps me in situations like now, so I can look back and see exactly what changed and when.

Here is my weight chart from this month:

one month

Keep in mind that these charts look dramatic because of the scale.  You’re looking at a range of 165 to 172 lb, so not a huge difference but this is clearly up from my maintenance range, as the next charts will show.  This is the month of the 30 day challenge during which I did no exercise other than yoga.  I counted calories for the first 2 weeks, but that quickly became boring so I quit.  I noticed my weight range was higher about half way through the challenge and I kept weighing myself but recorded it less because I was trying not to focus on my weight at that moment. Yoga, wonderful as it is, doesn’t elevate my heart rate or burn calories the way running or BodyPump do.

Now let’s step back a bit.  Here is the chart for the past 3 months:

three months

I’ve divided this up into colored sections for easy understanding: yellow is when I was following Jamie Eason’s LiveFit trainer for 1 month, blue is a period of time during which I took two trips (Philadelphia and San Francisco) and was off my schedule both in terms of eating and exercise, and the purple is the 30 day challenge.  So you can see that the trend upward started right after I stopped following the LiveFit trainer, about 2 months ago.  The yellow line is my all time low weight, of 161 lb.

six months

If we back up even further, the trends are much clearer.  This is why I think keeping a weight chart is so helpful.  The green area is a period of time when I was maintaining pretty effortlessly.  I had myself in a routine of working out about 6 times a week- three days of BodyPump and 3 days of cardio and I was basically just eating whenever I was hungry, Susie Orbach style.

overall weight chart

Finally, this is my weight chart since I started keeping it in January.  Prior to that, I weighed myself daily but only recorded the lowest weights.  Orange is the end of my weight loss efforts.  I decided to start maintaining in April and the rest is history.  I drew in the red line representing the overall trend.  This would be impossible to see without keeping track in some way.  I feel empowered by the knowledge.

Having lost over 120 pounds, I know just how important it is to catch these things before they get out of control, so I’ve tried to maintain a balance between vigilance and going with the flow, which I think has been pretty successful.  A lot of people would be absolutely panicking right now about this weight gain, but I am not.  I made changes to my routine, and those changes made changes on the scale.  It’s just data.  It works for me.  I am not a slave to it.  Only if you can keep this kind of attitude toward it can it be healthy to weigh in daily.  I know many people find this is not possible and that they become obsessive about that number.  For those people, perhaps a different strategy is in order.

So what am I going to do about it?  Well, I really don’t feel like counting calories at the moment.  It takes some of the joy out of eating and I feel I eat so well it isn’t really necessary.  I believe that if I continue eating as I have been and add my gym exercise back into my routine, the weight will probably take care of itself, possibly quite quickly.  I will pay extra attention to eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full, which is how I maintained my weight during the “green” period.  It’s been fun experimenting with different plans, but I’m kind of happy to go back to the tried and true, body pump and cardio – doing my own thing as it occurs to me.  Of course I will continue practicing yoga a few days a week as well.  Now that I have been away from my routine, I am hoping it will be even more effective.  I’m not going to be too hard on myself either.  I’m moving in a little more than a month to a different state and I know that means a lot of my time committed to moving prep.  Being in my comfortable gym routine should be just about perfect during this time.

Now let’s get it going in the right direction again.





Blissful Yoga 30 Day Challenge – Day 6

29 10 2011

Day 6 getting creative with the daily photo now :)

Love, love, loved Margie’s Yoga Fusion (Core) class this morning at 7:30 am.  I have really gotten to be a person who loves early mornings.  It’s so quiet outside before the sun comes up.  Arizona deserts will do that to you- it’s the only tolerable part of the day for much of the year.

We tried handstands today.  “Tried” is the operative word for me.  It is only an intention at this point… but someday!  I think my weak lower back holds me back here, but it is getting better.  I enjoy seeing other people accomplish what I cannot.  No jealousy – we are all at different places in our journeys.

Margie was talking about Tapas today, no not the appetizer-like happy hour food (mmm, olives)- Tapasya, the sanskrit word for “heat”.

In the yogic tradition, tapasya may be translated as “essential energy”, referring to a focused effort leading towards bodily purification and spiritual enlightenment. It is one of the Niyamas (observances of self-control) described in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. Tapasya implies a self-discipline or austerity willingly expended both in restraining physical urges and in actively pursuing a higher purpose in life. Through tapas, a yogi or spiritual seeker can “burn off” or prevent accumulation of negative energies, clearing a path toward spiritual evolution.

Tapas (Sanskrit) – Wikipedia
Basically having inner fire and enthusiasm, committing to every action with correct intention.  Working for the sake of work, not expecting any reward.  Love. 

__________

Update on my weight level/goals:

Since I changed my routine this week, I counted calories as well.  This is simply something I would do any time I made a big routine change.  When I engage in different activities, my level of hunger changes and counting calories helps me to focus on that so as not to over-eat.  While counting, I realized that I am in a good mental place to be in a deficit right now and I have decided to see what happens if I work on losing a bit more weight to a goal of 155.  This is only an intention and I will not be too concerned if it does not happen quickly or at all.  It’s a curiosity mostly to see if my body would like to go there.

At the beginning of the week I weighed 169 (ovulation + weekend indulgence) and today I weighed 165.  I am hoping to soon get back to my low weight of 161 and go on from there.  MyFitnessPal, the app I use to count, lets you set a goal (mine is lose 1 lb per week) and it calculates a suggested calorie amount toward that goal.  When you complete any activity, it adds on additional calories.  My level to be in a 500 calorie deficit per day is 1390 + exercise, which with 75 minutes of yoga a day comes out to about 1700 calories per day.

I know that calorie counting is a bit controversial for some people and that you may disagree with these numbers.  That is wonderful for you, but I know my body’s levels very well after years of practicing calorie counting.  A once-obese person has a different amount of food that is required to maintain or lose weight than a person who has never been obese.  I can point you to the science behind this if you’re interested!  It will be a different situation for each person, so don’t ever try to base your numbers on anyone else’s.  Or maybe you don’t need calorie counting.  I don’t need it to maintain my weight, but it is very difficult to lose weight without it.

The holiday season is a great time to do this, for me, because I feel very driven by knowing how difficult it is to eat right when surrounded by candies and cookies at every turn.  This is giving me that final push not to give in to the lure of the Kit-Kats (which are full of gross chemicals, BTW) in the office candy bowl.  I have a “Take THAT Holiday season!” attitude that helps me be very stringent with my plans.

So we’ll see what happens with this intention.  I will keep you updated.





Is Lifestyle Change just another Diet?

26 07 2011

I’ve heard this infuriating statement or something similar too many times not to respond:  “I’ve tried many diets, I even tried the lifestyle change once.  Nothing works.”

I think there are a lot of people who aren’t sure what the difference is between a diet and a lifestyle change.  Eating healthier foods, eating less, counting calories, getting exercise- sounds like a diet doesn’t it?

Making a lifestyle change isn’t about the actions you take, it’s about your intentions and state of mind.  The Diet mentality says “Follow this plan to lose weight.  After you lose the weight, you can go back to your normal life.  Don’t worry if it’s painful, it’s only temporary.  You don’t have to like it, just stick with it until the weight comes off”  The Lifestyle Change mentality says “I need to change my life for good.  I need to find a way to eat and live that will work for me and won’t leave me feeling deprived and miserable but will also allow me to maintain a healthy body weight.”

I can’t tell you exactly what a Lifestyle Change looks like because by definition it must be different for each person.  We all have our habits, good and bad.  Chances are you already know what some of your bad habits are and what you should change far better than any stranger could ever tell you.

This is another thing that makes a lifestyle change different than a diet.  It cannot be a plan given to you by someone else.  It has to come from you.  You can’t just follow something by rote, you have to educate yourself and understand why it’s important to make changes.

There are a lot of people who have lost weight and are maintaining their weight yet are still stuck in the diet mentality where everything is a difficult struggle.  They are still feeling upset and deprived that they can’t eat the way they used to.  They are still holding on to the idea that eating in a way that doesn’t cause weight gain has to be strict, inflexible, and generally unpleasant.  They are addicted to the struggle.

I know I have made a true lifestyle change myself because I am happy and content with my new habits.  I don’t miss my old life one teeny tiny little bit, and there’s nothing anyone could say to convince me I would be happier if I went back to eating huge plates of nachos and getting no more activity than walking from the couch to my car to my desk.  Those things don’t make you happy.  If you’re looking for happiness and contentment in food and television, it’s time to rethink your definition of happiness and contentment!

If I posted this on a diet forum, without a doubt, I would be attacked.  There are quite a few people who take offense to the idea that one can keep weight off without it being difficult and miserable.  I understand this illusion.  It seems too good to be true to imagine that you can change your mind.  But only you can change your mind and the only way you can do it is if you acknowledge that you are in control of your own actions and reactions.  So many of us are all too willing to give up our power.  When I hear someone say “But I CAN’T have just one cookie.” it sounds absolutely ludicrous and a bit insane.  Do you mean to tell me the cookies force themselves into your mouth, one after the other, without your consent?  If you believe this, it’s no wonder you find weight maintenance miserable.

The truth is, cookies don’t make you eat them.  You choose.  If you cannot choose, you probably need a psychiatrist or maybe Over-eaters Anonymous, not an overly restrictive diet.  You can choose only when you choose to choose.  When we give away our power to food (or any other inanimate object/substance), we lose an incredibly amazing thing about ourselves: our ability to make informed, rational decisions even if they are different than what we’re used to.  Whether you think you can or you can’t, you are right.

Making a lifestyle change isn’t simply about losing weight but dieting is only about losing weight.  When you change your lifestyle, generally the primary concern is health and well-being, coming from a place of respect and love for yourself.  Weight loss is a pleasant side effect but it isn’t the end-all be-all of everything.  There has to be a better reason than simply wanting to lose weight.  Wanting to lose weight is pretty much universal in the US, but it’s a false goal with a false promise of reward.  We equate thinness with success and happiness, but being thin will not make you happy or successful.   If you expect it to, you’re in for a rude surprise.  This is something else I notice among some people who have lost the weight and are keeping it off by being strict and stressed about it: they are miserable.  They’re thinner, but they are terrified of gaining the weight back and they freak out at every fluctuation on the scale.  Often times they feel even worse about their bodies than they did before the weight loss.  Living life in fear and misery is no way to live.

Some people are going to read this and agree wholeheartedly.  Others won’t get it.  They will insist that they must be super strict and vigilant or all hell will break loose.  They will insist that all or nothing is the only way.  They are stuck in the Diet mentality.  It isn’t easy to escape because it is what our world presents to us.

But I am positive that for all of us, there is another way if you open your mind to it.





The Educated Calorie Counter

18 07 2011

Counting calories was the foundation of my weight loss plan.  Recording what I ate did many things for me, not the least of which was creating accountability.  Previously, I ate with no thought at all except for what sounded good and tasty.  I paid no mind to the amount I ate and in retrospect, the majority of my meals, if not all of them, were absurdly over-sized.  You don’t notice this when it’s just how you’ve always lived life.  I think there’s also some credence to the idea that you can stretch and shrink your stomach by how much you usually eat.  I found that when I overate constantly, I was constantly hungry.  When I under-ate consistently, I was rarely hungry.  Now that I eat the right amount, my hunger is regular and appropriate.  I listen to it and it tells me when I should eat.  It took me a long time to get to this point- years of practice, as a matter of fact.

You could approach calorie counting as a Diet with a capital D.  You could plan to eat X number of calories, burn Y number of calories, and lose Z number of pounds.  Aside from following this plan, you could give it no other thought and when you had lost Z number of pounds, you could go back to your old habits and gain the weight back.

Or you could approach it as I did, as a tool with which to educate yourself.  I knew from the start that there was no chance I would spend the rest of my life entering the foods I ate into an app or online journal.  I knew I would not meticulously weigh and measure every bite of food.  It just wasn’t going to happen, and I knew that if I thought I was going to do that, I was kidding myself.

So while I entered foods into my food journal, I paid attention.  What did 1 oz of cheese look like?  How many nuts were in one serving?  Which foods were very low calorie and which foods were calorie-dense?  Which foods were mostly protein?  Which were mostly fat?  Which were mostly carbohydrates?  What did a 400 calorie meal look like on my plate?  How big was a single serving of orange juice?

I can now estimate the calories in any meal I cook without assistance.  I don’t need to look anything up or use a calculator.  This is another benefit of eating mostly whole real foods- no surprise ingredients mucking things up.

The only foods that can be eaten in pretty much limitless quantity are vegetables.  Greens, tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, radishes, squash, broccoli, cauliflower etc.  There are some exceptions, of course.  Potatoes and carrots are starchy and the calories do add up.  Avocado is calorie-dense and full of healthy unsaturated fat.  That doesn’t stop me from eating potatoes, carrots, and avocados though.  It just means I know I have to pay attention to the quantity.  (I always eat the whole avocado though- I just balance it out with the rest of the meal) But raw spinach?  I know I can have as much as I would like.

Fruits, I believe, are also an essential piece of the healthy diet.  I know some people are afraid of the sugars, but in whole fruit you get a balance of fiber with the sugar.  It simply is not the same as eating a piece of candy, much as some low-carb plans would make it out to be.  Fruit does indeed contain sugar though, and for that reason it is also something to be mindful of when choosing how much.  Luckily, many fruits come in single serving packages via mother nature, such as bananas, apples, pears, peaches, and oranges.  It is worth learning what a serving of grapes looks like compared to a serving of strawberries.  There is actually a tremendous difference.

Oil is feared by many dieters, but again I believe this fear is misplaced.  We need fats in our diet for a variety of reasons and oil needn’t be feared in moderation.  I know how long a pour gets me 1 tbsp of oil, another lesson I learned by calorie counting.

A serving of grains, such as pasta or rice, turned out to be a lot smaller than I ever imagined.  I have gotten used to it though, once I got over the initial disappointment.  What’s the point of being frustrated by the truth?  It is what it is.

It is amazingly freeing to be able to maintain my weight without counting or measuring.  I am still present and accountable for what I eat, but I don’t need the crutch of writing it down anymore.  I think you will know when you reach this stage- you will no longer try to cheat yourself on the days you don’t count.   It took me a long time to absorb that even if I didn’t write it down, it still counted.  I was only cheating myself when I used not counting as an excuse to eat more than I knew I should.

If you are calorie counting, here are some ideas for making it an Education and not a Diet, so someday you can eat in a more intuitive way and maintain your weight:

  • Pay attention.  When you measure things, get a sense of the size- how many spoonfuls, how it fills the dish, how many fit in your palm, etc.  Through repetition, you will eventually know how to dish out 1 serving without measuring.
  • Test yourself.  Try dividing out one portion and then measure or weigh it to see how close you were.
  • Use appropriately sized dishes.  No huge plates, no huge bowls.  Find dishes that force you to choose the right serving size.  This works particularly well for things like cereal bowls, juice glasses, and snack dishes.
  • Focus on what matters.  I stopped weighing or measuring veggies long before I stopped calorie counting.  The TBSP of oil I used to saute my spinach was much more important, in terms of calories, than the spinach itself.
  • Accept the fallibility of calories.  Calorie counting is all about estimation.  There is no point in becoming distracted by the small details.  You don’t REALLY know if that apple has 50 calories or 70 and that’s OK.  You will underestimate some things and over estimate others.  It will all even out in the end.  This isn’t an hourly or even daily test- it’s a cumulative experience.
  • Find the best options at restaurants you regularly frequent and remember them.  If you’re trying to eat reasonably, you will likely find your options are limited so it shouldn’t be too difficult to pick out a few dishes as your “standby” meals at those locations and stick to those.
  • Use logic and reason.  If a dish is covered in a creamy, cheesy sauce- you know it is calorie-dense.  If it’s raw or steamed veggies, you know it’s calorie-light.  Still love creamy sauces?  Me too.  I still order enchiladas that are covered in cheesy creamy sauce, I just eat less.
  • Learn which foods are calorie dangers.  These are foods that sneak up on you because a serving size seems so small.  Potato chips are an example of this.  A serving is 8-10 chips, which to me seems ridiculously tiny.  Because of this, I basically do not eat potato chips.  It isn’t worth the calorie cost.  I do eat ice cream, which is another calorie danger, however.  I find the small serving to be plenty and satisfying occasionally.  Find which foods are worth it and which aren’t.

These are skills you can work on from day one of your plan.  It may take months and years for them to settle in as habit instead of chore, but if you have an open mind and are willing to change and learn, it can happen.








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