I was just looking at my weight history and I realized that I have maintained my weight under 170 lb for exactly one year. That’s one whole year without a significant re-gain. I dipped down to 161 at one point and bounced back up to 174 at another, but for the most part, I have hovered between 165 and 169 pounds.
I fluctuate in and out of my “healthy weight range” according to the charts. For a woman who is 5’8″ my cut off weight between being “normal” and being “overweight” is 167 lb. Which is total bullocks of course. I think there’s something about being a little bit out of the acceptable range but still choosing to accept myself the way I am that makes me feel like I’m a rebel. Charts be damned, I will decide what my body should look like and what weight I should be. Nobody else.
I received a message once on a weight loss site where a completely random stranger took it upon himself to suggest that I lower my goal weight from 180 (that was my original goal) to 150 because “a woman cannot be healthy at 180.” That message punched me right in the gut. You know that feeling you get when someone says something to you that they probably have no idea how it will make you feel, but it just demoralizes you and gives you that sick feeling… “maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m not good enough, maybe I DO need to be thinner… maybe, maybe, maybe.”
That message came at least a year and a half ago and it still stuck with me to this day, as I hover just above the normal weight range as prescribed by the medical community. And the longer I think about it the more I come to this conclusion (I apologize in advance for the swearing, but this is me and this is how I feel): Fuck that guy. Fuck every person who has ever tried to make me or any other person feel like he/she isn’t good enough exactly the way she is. Fuck all the people who think it’s their business to tell me, or any woman, or anyone, how they should look, what they should weigh, what they should wear, or how they should take care of themselves. It’s none of anyone else’s goddamned business. Nobody but me. MY body, MY terms.
As time passes I find myself becoming more and more comfortable with the “new me”. Sometimes I find myself wanting to lose 10 more pounds or change my body composition further. But as time goes by those moments become scarcer, fewer, and further in between. The more I see myself in full length mirrors or candid photographs the more I realize: I like myself exactly the way I am.
Some people lose a lot of weight and then weight loss and fitness becomes their job. I can understand this. It’s awfully tempting to change careers, get a degree in some kind of nutrition and be a life coach or some sort of personal trainer. But that’s not me. The things that I am passionate about are art, writing, politics, body image… I have come to realize that I am fulfilling a unique position in the weight loss community. I am showing people that it is OKAY to stop. It is okay to decide that enough is enough. I feel amazing, I look great, I am fit by anyone’s standards.
It seems like everywhere I look there’s a “motivational” poster like this:
Inspirational?
What is the dream exactly? To have a body worthy of having your head cut off and objectified into a faceless torso of perfect abs? To be that girl who guys walk by and go “Ooh Baby!” That’s not MY dream. My dream is to be a successful artist, a loving partner, financially comfortable, to travel the world, to have a gallery show, to make a short film, to be a good friend, to learn, and many other things. In the words of Beauty Redfined: I am capable of MUCH MORE than being looked at.
Fitting into the prescribed mold will not bring me happiness. I refuse to objectify myself. I don’t think most people realize exactly how difficult it is to be okay with your body, especially as a woman, when everywhere we look there are all these messages telling us that if we tried a little harder and weren’t so quick to give up, we could have these perfect flawless bodies and the world would be ours. That is such bullshit. I’m NOT a quitter. I work really hard. My goals are just different than the ones they keep trying to tell me to have.
Look, I’ve lost 120 lb. I could exercise until the cows come home and eat a perfect diet and I will never look like that lady. Because I will never have surgery, I will always have flaws and scars from being obese. I am not a disembodied torso. I am a person with a history. And I am trying to be okay with myself. It takes a bloody hell of a lot of effort, I have to tell you. It’s no wonder so many fall into the traps of eating disorders and body hatred. It’s practically shoved down our throats at every turn.
The outward appearance of my body is not what’s important to me. It is not the end all be all of life. I didn’t set out on this weight loss thing to become obsessed with my appearance. I am simply not that vain or shallow. I am healthy by all measures, fit by anyone’s standards, and above all, I’m happy! The obsession has to stop somewhere. Enough is enough.
I cannot honestly think of any other blogger or weight loss person I have read who feels the way I do. It seems like everyone is always striving for those few less pounds, those few less inches, that added definition. It seems like nobody can be happy as they are. I mean, if that’s really your life-long goal, to be a fitness model or competitor or some such thing, I certainly do not begrudge you that. But can we stop with the assumptions that every woman who does not look like the above headless torso lady must be miserable about her appearance? That’s what I want to keep talking about as I go forward: self-acceptance. Weight loss doesn’t have to take over your life. It is effort enough to maintain my weight, and I think I’ve done it pretty comfortably for the last year. Can I picture myself living my life this way forever? Absolutely. But not much more than this. The gym is not going to be my main activity. I have too many other things I’d like to do. I really don’t think I’ll be lying on my deathbed one day thinking “I sure wish I’d gotten that tummy tuck, I could have had abs.”
I’m inspired by people who help people. I’m inspired by people who make major changes in their lives for the betterment of themselves and their families. I’m not inspired by posters like the one above. I find them objectifying and insulting. I also feel that they ignore the true benefit of working out and eating right: health. And health cannot be found in one’s outer appearance. If you want to “be an example to your family”, there’s a lot more to it than having a low body fat percentage (and no head):
Seriously?
I am good enough the way I am. I hope I maintain my weight for another year and many more to come, no matter what anyone else thinks of me.
That was a terrific post. I myself have wondered where it stops. When a person can be content with themselves. If it is allowed. I love your thoughts. Thank you for sharing.
I’m a personal trainer and I feel just like you. I struggled with an eating disorder for 11 years before going into treatment and re-gaining my body and confidence again. I decided to become a trainer because I want people to look at fitness as a way to stay healthy and happy. Not as a way to become obsessive about their body. I’ve been at my “weight goal” and realized the scale is nothing but a number. It doesn’t define who I am. My beauty as a person, and the things that i’ve been through. You’re not alone. I’m right there with you and i’m sure many other people are too. I ADMIRE your strength. Thank you so much for sharing <3
amazing post. i LOVE this. you are beautiful. your writing is beautiful. no one can, or should, define you. only you!
Excellent post Kate!!!
exactly. well said. especially the part about fuck all the other people who want to tell us how we should look to make them happy. I’ve had that fight with a good many people & always I come back to it its my body I live in not you.
thanks for sharing this one! I sure did appreciate it.
Health and happiness! That is the key! Great article! Thanks!
Such an inspirational post. Thank you. I lost 100 pounds in 2011 and have a goal of the same amount for 2012. I, like you, will not have surgery, so i have a long way to go. Flabbiness must be forced into submission somehow!!
Great post! I will also never be what society sees as perfect, having been obese, no matter how hard I work. I am in the “healthy” weight now, but I maintain the weight that I am happy with, not what other people think I should be. As long as you feel healthy, and you are, that’s all that counts. Well done on your amazing loss!
Thank you for having the courage to be who you are! I am currently on a journey to a healthier me and I am working hard along the way to love myself and be happy with myself. I know I’ll never look like the headless torso folk, but if I can get to a stage where I can live my life and DO all the stuff I want to do then I’ll be happy
Just awesome- thank you!
Thank you for this post. I feel like I’m always reaching for the next goal to reach and never happy with myself. Thanks for putting things into proper perspective.
I think a lot of folks fall into the trap of thinking that they have to become a xerox of an advertising poster. If you set goals and find that you’re not happy when you reach them, then I think your focus should be on the “mind” rather than what workout or diet to follow next. Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to find yourself in this situation, and you certainly won’t be the last. Everything stems from our perceptions and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. It’s the reason we end up walking down a particular path, whatever path that might be. I think that’s why a lot of NLP coaches have become so successful at helping people – not only to lose weight, but also overcome phobias and dissolve self-limiting beliefs, without ever setting them a single meal-plan or a workout schedule.
Fantastic.
I love this post and agree 100%. My goal has never been to be skinny or perfect. My goal is to be healthy. I am terrified to losing too much and not being able to live a life that I can enjoy. I am working to take the focus off food and enjoy my LIFE! Thanks for your honesty, I love it!
I love you and your posts! I’m a 58 soon to be 59 year old women, wife, grandmother and working at becoming healthy. Your blog brings me hope that we ( girls, women) can learn to stop hating ourselves…Let’s STOP NOW!
You my dear women are so flipping inspiring! I hope you are the new wave of
feminism, while we’ve “Come a long way Baby” (1970′s) we have a L O N G
way to go and I for one think you are leading the pack and I’m happy to come long for this wonderful ride!
Thank you so much for being YOU and helping us become more of our true selves.
Tee
I have been searching for the same blog as you – someone who is happy with their weight no matter what size they are… but you’re the only person i’ve found. Unfortunately i don’t fall into this category although i am striving for it. You’re totally right, going to the gym incessantly in order to get a picture taken of me with my head cut off is not my life ambition. Thank you for this post
xx
thank you. <3
Well stated!
So encouraging and true! I have been fighting negative self image problems for my whole life! After the holidays, I found myself beating myself up again for gaining 5 ibs…enough is enough…I am going to live my life free of the obsession with body image.
When I read this part, I wanted to stand up and applaud:
“What is the dream exactly? To have a body worthy of having your head cut off and objectified into a faceless torso of perfect abs? To be that girl who guys walk by and go “Ooh Baby!” That’s not MY dream. My dream is to be a successful artist, a loving partner, financially comfortable, to travel the world, to have a gallery show, to make a short film, to be a good friend, to learn, and many other things. In the words of Beauty Redfined: I am capable of MUCH MORE than being looked at.”
You are the first person I have read who hit the nail on the head: what is the ultimate destination for weight/body-obsessed women?
Your comparison above points out how empty most of women’s goals are — are you trying to reach a perfect weight/body so random strangers can lust after you in a photo? That’s your pinnacle? Your “I’ve made it!” moment in life?
When you put it in those terms, you realize hell no, that’s not what I want. And then you realize how weight “dreams/goals” are standing in the way of the real ones you mentioned — the ones that lead to happiness and personal fulfillment that’s lasting.
I feel exactly as you do! I am 5’3″ and 150 lbs, just above the “acceptable” range on the doctor’s chars, just like you. And yes, fuck that guy. Lots and lots of people are healthy at 180 lbs. Keep on being yourself and sharing yourself with us! Thanks.
Thank you for this post. I have to keep putting things in perspective. I am a mother, a wife, a full time student, I also have a job, and a house to keep. I beat myself up all the time because of the last ten pounds, but I can only do so much in any given day. Thanks for reminding me that other goals are valued too:) society does scream for this ideal look, and for most people it’s not attainable.
Love this post about true body acceptance. Like you, I’m 5’8″ and about 170 and have recently made the conscious decision that I’m going to focus more on muscle training and learning how to maintain my weight at this point. (You’re actually a big source of my inspiration for this choice, BTW) But I still find that I’m constantly second-guessing myself on this!. My mental dialogue fixates on the size of my thighs or my stomach pooch, the magical “normal BMI” weight and paints my decision as a copout.
When my focus was on the scale I was getting to the point where I was fixated on every calorie and trying not to eat when I was hungry for the sake of keeping my deficits up. That’s not how I want to live! Thanks for your post for reminding me that I don’t have to feel guilty about departing from the single-minded pursuit of a lower number. I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been and am continually astonished with how I’ve transformed my eating habits. If I can lose those last few pounds or inches through sensible eating and exercise, that’s great but I need to learn how to be happy with where I am now, which is really not a bad place to be
I love you! I love this post!
Very well written and I agree…the only thing that is left out of here is the discussion with regard to being okay with being overweight. I know for a fact that when I am 15 lbs overweight my knees hurt, my shoulders slump (because my abs are just not strong enough to hold up that extra layer of fat on my stomach). There is a tremendous need for us to accept ourselves as we are but there is also the need to keep reminding ourselves that we cannot live a healthy life unless we control our diet and get some exercise, every day, every week, every year. There are people losing their lives because they justify being overweight. I realize that you have lost the weight that I am referring to, and I also agree that there is no real reward in living to “look good” or “look like those posters”, but, I don’t want people to accept their overweight unhealthy selves and give up on the idea that anyone can be healthy even the obese. Certainly, to be healthy does take commitment and work. Congrats on a job well done and an article well written. You are soo very right!
I just think that that decision is for each and every individual to make for him/herself. It’s not up to me to tell other people what size they should be that will create optimum health. It’s such a personal decision. Anytime there’s talk of body-acceptance, someone thinks it means justifying being overweight. I don’t think that’s true at all. I believe that if we accept and love ourselves, then we will take good care of our bodies through diet and exercise. Those who would use body-acceptance as a reason to live in poor health don’t really understand what it’s all about. So I try never to write about how unhealthy other people are or what they should be doing or not doing- that’s not for me to say. I just write about how I feel myself, having done it one way that worked for me and hopefully people can learn something from it, or at least be entertained. -Kate
Choked up and near tears right now.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I can’t say that enough. You have put in writing exactly why I have been off track with my workouts and diet for the last 6-7 months, why I have gained back 15 pounds. Because, although I had thought I was doing all of this for ME, apparently, somewhere in my heart and soul, I was still doing it for all the wrong reasons!
I am saving this post to read again and again to truly inspire me to be the best of ME I can from now on, to do the things that make me happy and just use my nutrition and fitness tools to be the healthiest person I can and not worry if my muscles don’t bulge or don’t shine and my abs pooch out a little and my thighs still have a little jiggle. As long as this body can carry me through the activities I enjoy and the life I want to live, that is all I need!
Tricia
Lovely comment, thank you
. So glad this helped you.
Man, I so needed to read this today. Thank you. A million times. Just found your blog/already a devotee.
[...] When is Enough Enough? (thisisnotadiet-itsmylife.com) [...]
I’ve never really thought about this before. I LOVE you message here, and it has changed my perspective on setting an end goal for weight loss. Thank you for the inspiration.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I agree with you completely. Please keep sharing. Weight loss can so easily become an obsession with the outside as though looking like that headless body somehow instantly confers upon one the status of being a better person.
[...] to lower your standards. This goes against my thinking of course! I recently posted a super blog by Kate who has changed her lifestyle to lose 120 pounds or so and now, even though she has no visible [...]
[...] But among other weight maintainers, I rarely found this. It seemed like nobody was happy or satisfied. They were either still really struggling with food or just miserable about not having perfect bodies. This really bothered me. Here we were- people who had accomplished what so many dream of- the loss of 100s of pounds- and everyone was miserable! When would enough be enough!? [...]
VERY well said! I’ve lost 75 lbs over the last 3 years. I’m 5′ 3″ and currently weigh about 145. My original goal was 150 but when I got there I FELT like I needed to lose 10 more so that’s what I’m working on. Who knows how I’ll feel if I ever get to 140. It’s taking me forever BUT… this is where I soooo agree with you. I almost really don’t care if I ever get there. I’m really fine with where I’m at, especially after being where I’ve been. I can do things now that I could NOT have done before and I’m pretty stinkin’ happy.
Sometimes I have to stop and ask myself “how much muscle DO you want?” “Do you REALLY want defined arms and legs or do you just want to be healthy?” I have come to terms that I’ve been very guilty of NEEDING affirmation from others and I’m working really hard to get past that. We tend to look for approval from others in many aspects of our lives – not just how we look. It’s time for us to take a good hard look in the mirror (physical, mental, whatever) and investigate what it will really take to make OURSELVES happy and go for those goals – not someone elses!
Love it!!
I have never had to lose 120 pounds but I completely agree. I always feel like I am 20 or so pounds away from the “ideal” in my head or around me. I can kick major butt in spin class, have run a couple marathons and still run regularly (although not always long distances) and generally look after myself and eat well most of the time. I do struggle with emotional eating binges, but it’s a work in progress. I am 5’3″ and have a “sturdy” frame. I was not built to be a waif. I come from a long line of what I like to call “zuftig” women
My point is that I need to constantly remind myself that if I am exercising regularly, eating healthily overall, and my health is good – no diabetes, no high cholesteral etc., I should be happy with however that manifests itself outwardly. In addition, I should focus on how all of this makes me feel mentally. Exercising regularly and eating fairly well is integral to balancing my stress and overall mental state.
I am not sure if you will be able to see the link below, but it was a poster similar to the ones you’ve posted here today and it bugged me because the picture was in no way representative of the message they were trying to convey in my opinion, nor was it a healthy body image for everyone to strive for.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=509874362#!/photo.php?fbid=336559369740381&set=a.140044816058505.28518.139684079427912&type=1&theater
Yes, I see it and I see what you’re saying there too. I see a lot of those images and it talks about accepting yourself and body image… then the woman is absolutely perfect looking! There seems to be this belief that if we “work hard and sacrifice” enough we can all look like anyone we want. That is simply not true. I see why “they” (diet industry) want us to believe that- because it keeps us always unhappy with how we are now. I’d rather focus on how I feel, and I feel wonderful! My stomach will never be flat, and that’s okay. My body is mine, and I choose to love it and be happy with me, unique, imperfect, strong and wonderful.
Agree, K8 and feel that way most of the time, but struggle with not seeking “something better” and liking my body the way it is. I think forums like this are helpful in supporting each other.